I don’t know when exactly I started adopting pervasively the method of “not thinking about it”. I’ve definitely been doing it these nearly four years in Colorado, and I probably did it also in California, at least for a while, certainly during the pandemic. Don’t think about it, I tell myself. I don’t even tellContinue reading “Don’t think about it”
Tag Archives: relationships
Self definition — Self defense — Self sabotage
I’m sitting on the couch laughing, soaking in all the good vibes and affection from my friends who’ve come over to celebrate my birthday. There’s about a dozen of us and, apart from my two transmasc friends and one of my buddies’ fiancé (a cis woman), it’s a bunch of straight guys. These are myContinue reading “Self definition — Self defense — Self sabotage”
Hard week
This is a hard week. On the one hand, there’s the realistic, almost chemical, fact of coming down after 2-3 weeks of almost steady high, nonstop go-go-go — hence the ensuing physical tiredness and also a sense of emptiness. But what makes this particular “low after the high” so hard is that it’s Thanksgiving week. Continue reading “Hard week”
Crash: the lows after the highs
Here it is, the low after the high. Ten days ago, I ran my fastest half marathon on trail, shaving off 7 minutes from the time my coach had projected for me and winning first place nonbinary. I was able to compete & be awarded fairly and to be proudly visible as my trans, nonbinaryContinue reading “Crash: the lows after the highs”
Explorative, affirming birthday week
It’s mid-summer. After almost a year of paperwork and emailing back & forth with the Italian Consulate in Chicago and the City Hall of the city where I was born back in Europe, I have finally received the communication that I didn’t dare hope for: “Your sex change has been accepted and your gender amendedContinue reading “Explorative, affirming birthday week”
Ripping off the bandaid
Of course this is painful. Of course I’m feeling uncomfortable and even somewhat dysregulated. This is a loss, yet another loss. I have decided to quit the gay men’s chorus. I will have to grieve this. But what is “this” exactly? My identity as “gay man”, or my “wish to be accepted as a gayContinue reading “Ripping off the bandaid”
Free from denial — Free to love
The next-to-last night of my camping trip in South Dakota at the end of August was beautifully clear. I was going for an evening walk in the meadow that occupied a big portion of the campground and was, at the end of the season, completely empty. It was dusk, the sky darkening gradually over theContinue reading “Free from denial — Free to love”
“Acceptance is the answer”
Acceptance is the answer is tattooed on the forearm of one of the gay men in the chorus where I sing. I’ve seen and heard quotes along similar lines before and often considered them trite or defeatist. But I think I’ve finally come to understand — once again, not just rationally but also, and especially,Continue reading ““Acceptance is the answer””
The little things we remember
[Content warnings: loss, grief, death.] Often, it’s the small things we remember about the ones we loved and lost. The color and shape of their eyes. The sound of their laugh. The inflection of their voice as they told us they love us. “Ich liebe dich”, A. said suddenly, almost bluntly, matter-of-factly, for the firstContinue reading “The little things we remember”
“Maine”
[Content warnings: loss, grief, death.] Often, my favorite songs remind me of beloved persons or meaningful places or memorable experiences. I’ve never been to Maine. I have no connection to Maine, nor does my European queer ex-lover. Yet, Noah Kahan’s song Maine for some reason makes me think of my European queer ex-lover. Maybe it’sContinue reading ““Maine””
The Little Prince and the Fox 