I just got home from my run — a good, satisfying workout, and yet what I feel is that I want to cry. I feel a deep, intense sadness. I feel sad. I’ve been ruminating for days, maybe weeks, on & off, trying to figure out the causes for why people don’t like me physically/sexuallyContinue reading “Double impossibility”
Tag Archives: relationships
A moral question
“Where were you when your father needed you?” is something my mother has asked me full of venom almost every time we have talked since my father’s death two & a half years ago — which is one of the reasons why the times we talk are so few and far between. Where was myContinue reading “A moral question”
The eternal extra work for AFAB persons
Yesterday, I found myself venting with one of my closest cis-guy friends about my confusion and disappointment: the gay climber (another cis-man) with whom I had seemed to connect so nicely over the holidays and who seemed to genuinely enjoy my company & to care about my friendship has ghosted me. He didn’t reply toContinue reading “The eternal extra work for AFAB persons”
“It is what it is”
[Trigger warnings: death, loss, grief.] “ […] We’re lost and no-one wants to feel like that We’ll find a way we can work this out But it is what it is right now I don’t have the words to make this right Or a way to fix it all tonight I know right now, itContinue reading ““It is what it is””
Insecurity & Scarcity Mindset
Last night I went on a beautiful 8-mile hike in the full moon with a potential new friend. But all I can feel this morning is sadness and fear. I cannot see the physical achievement of hiking the 8 miles after weeks where an abdominal strain has been making it hard & painful for meContinue reading “Insecurity & Scarcity Mindset”
Vegan Xmas
This has been my first good Christmas in Colorado and my first really good Christmas in years, maybe decades. I spent Christmas Eve with my best running buddy and his family. He is a truly good friend and his family (wife, daughter and mother-in-law) have become somewhat extended family to me, too, or I haveContinue reading “Vegan Xmas”
“Hopeless Wanderer”
[Trigger warnings: death, loss, grief] This Christmas seems to be turning out more promising, less lonely, than usual: tonight I have the choice between a dinner that my housemate is having with some of their friends at our place or joining one of my closest running buddies to celebrate with his family; tomorrow, I haveContinue reading ““Hopeless Wanderer””
Don’t think about it
I don’t know when exactly I started adopting pervasively the method of “not thinking about it”. I’ve definitely been doing it these nearly four years in Colorado, and I probably did it also in California, at least for a while, certainly during the pandemic. Don’t think about it, I tell myself. I don’t even tellContinue reading “Don’t think about it”
Self definition — Self defense — Self sabotage
I’m sitting on the couch laughing, soaking in all the good vibes and affection from my friends who’ve come over to celebrate my birthday. There’s about a dozen of us and, apart from my two transmasc friends and one of my buddies’ fiancé (a cis woman), it’s a bunch of straight guys. These are myContinue reading “Self definition — Self defense — Self sabotage”
Hard week
This is a hard week. On the one hand, there’s the realistic, almost chemical, fact of coming down after 2-3 weeks of almost steady high, nonstop go-go-go — hence the ensuing physical tiredness and also a sense of emptiness. But what makes this particular “low after the high” so hard is that it’s Thanksgiving week. Continue reading “Hard week”
The Little Prince and the Fox 