“I know he’s drawn to me”, I cried through my tears as I sat on the carpeted floor in my living room with Yali’s thin arms around me. She held me, lovingly, crouching beside me, as the sobs shook me. It was such a relief to cry, to cry in the arms of a friendContinue reading “Words fall short”
Tag Archives: friendship
Wholeness in the pain
I feel it in the pit of the stomach. A knot, almost like a punch in the stomach. I can’t eat, even if I’m hungry, even if it’s time for a meal. I feel like I want, or need, to throw up. It’s rejection. It’s how my body somatizes rejection. “You’ll have to tell meContinue reading “Wholeness in the pain”
Scared of my feelings
“Yeah, I was thinking, ‘I dealt her all six of the cards’…” The world seems to stop for a fraction of a second, then Bert continues, “I think I gave you all the cards…” This was two weeks ago. And those sentences, including the pronoun her, were referred to me. Bert & I were onContinue reading “Scared of my feelings”
More loss — Making space for the new
[Content warning: friends-breakup, loss, grief.] “Yeah, I’m sure he’s a good guy. But if he’s stuck in a toxic relationship with a manipulative woman, that says something about him, too. You cannot be around toxicity without some of it rubbing off onto you…” My buddy’s words from ten days ago echo in my head. He’sContinue reading “More loss — Making space for the new”
Deep wound
“ Wolf mother, where have you been? You look so worn, so thin You’re a taker, devil’s maker Let me hear you sing, hey-ya, hey-ya Wolf father, at the door You don’t smile anymore You’re a drifter, a shapeshifter Let me see you run, hey-ya, hey-ya Holy light, oh, burn the night Oh, keep theContinue reading “Deep wound”
How much courage does it take?
Nearly two decades ago, I went through one of my most painful breakups, my first really painful breakup. At the time, I was in grad school and had been in a very intense and complicated, mostly long-distance, more-than-platonic relationship with a guy I loved very deeply and who sincerely loved me back. He was veryContinue reading “How much courage does it take?”
The unbearable pain of betrayal
Friday was Jack’s birthday. Exactly three weeks after the loaded conversation we had, initiated by him telling me not only about his sexual attraction towards me but in great detail about his sexual desires & fantasies involving me, despite his still being in a monogamous (& toxic) relationship with a woman that has been makingContinue reading “The unbearable pain of betrayal”
Mid-life crisis?
I’m not sleeping well. I wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble falling back asleep because I start ruminating — or my ruminations make the whole night restless. A lot of the rumination comes from practical issues making me anxious right now: politics, my own financial instability, looming work deadlines. ButContinue reading “Mid-life crisis?”
“Friends fall for each other”
“Yeah, at surface level what’s happened between you guys seems weird or even impossible, but if you think of it, it’s actually quite a universal experience: friends fall for each other, because they like each other as persons”. Ron’s words yesterday evening brought me some respite, some lightness, almost a sense of things being “smoothedContinue reading ““Friends fall for each other””
A moral question
“Where were you when your father needed you?” is something my mother has asked me full of venom almost every time we have talked since my father’s death two & a half years ago — which is one of the reasons why the times we talk are so few and far between. Where was myContinue reading “A moral question”
