“Yeah, at surface level what’s happened between you guys seems weird or even impossible, but if you think of it, it’s actually quite a universal experience: friends fall for each other, because they like each other as persons”. Ron’s words yesterday evening brought me some respite, some lightness, almost a sense of things being “smoothedContinue reading ““Friends fall for each other””
Tag Archives: love
Crossing lines of tenderness
As hard as waiting often is, it also, usually, helps to bring clarity. Yesterday was particularly hard for me. Fortunately, though, my buddy Ron was available to talk with me for an hour while I was hiking on one of my favorite trails around sunset. Ron has an almost unrivaled capacity to balance deep emotionalContinue reading “Crossing lines of tenderness”
Friday night blues
Here it is, my Friday night blues. The melancholy, sometimes acute sadness, intense loneliness, that has been hitting me, like clockwork, almost every Friday evening for the past two or three months. Last weekend it didn’t happen but that was only because I went on a camping & climbing trip with a group of friends,Continue reading “Friday night blues”
Being desired in my entirety of masculine & feminine
Jack & I met almost four years ago, through a group chat for local climbers. At first, I thought we would never really mesh as climbing partners and it was only thanks to my Italian climbing buddy that I gave the friendship between me & Jack a second chance and it wasn’t until almost aContinue reading “Being desired in my entirety of masculine & feminine”
Double impossibility
I just got home from my run — a good, satisfying workout, and yet what I feel is that I want to cry. I feel a deep, intense sadness. I feel sad. I’ve been ruminating for days, maybe weeks, on & off, trying to figure out the causes for why people don’t like me physically/sexuallyContinue reading “Double impossibility”
Avalanche in Tahoe
[Trigger warnings: death; grief] My phone rings. It’s my buddy Ron. We’ve been playing phone tag all day, so I pick up immediately. “Hey A., before we go into anything… there was an avalanche in Tahoe…”, the words catch in his throat as my mind already knows what’s coming next — “… my friend… he’sContinue reading “Avalanche in Tahoe”
Time to sit with this pain, again
[Trigger warnings: grief; suicide] One of my oldest and dearest friends, who has endured an awful amount of both physical and emotional pain, once stated that people take their own life when the pain (physical or emotional) becomes too intense to endure. That’s probably what brought us close at the beginning, when we met, twoContinue reading “Time to sit with this pain, again”
A moral question
“Where were you when your father needed you?” is something my mother has asked me full of venom almost every time we have talked since my father’s death two & a half years ago — which is one of the reasons why the times we talk are so few and far between. Where was myContinue reading “A moral question”
The mountain is me
“ I’ve become A figment of my imagination That’s why I run Towards self-love and inner restoration ” “I like the person I’ve become”. The thought curses through my head, all of a sudden, almost startling me, as I’m sitting at the table, eating my breakfast cereal, tears streaming down my cheeks and Chance Peña’sContinue reading “The mountain is me”
The many levels of pain beneath the umpteenth rejection
This afternoon, I got the umpteenth rejection. Once again, it was from a gay cis-man. I was expecting it, I had a gut feeling he didn’t return my feelings of physical attraction, but still I needed to clarify explicitly. We’ve been friends for only a couple of months, having met through a common climbing buddy,Continue reading “The many levels of pain beneath the umpteenth rejection”
The Little Prince and the Fox 