“I know he’s drawn to me”, I cried through my tears as I sat on the carpeted floor in my living room with Yali’s thin arms around me. She held me, lovingly, crouching beside me, as the sobs shook me. It was such a relief to cry, to cry in the arms of a friendContinue reading “Words fall short”
Tag Archives: love
Wholeness in the pain
I feel it in the pit of the stomach. A knot, almost like a punch in the stomach. I can’t eat, even if I’m hungry, even if it’s time for a meal. I feel like I want, or need, to throw up. It’s rejection. It’s how my body somatizes rejection. “You’ll have to tell meContinue reading “Wholeness in the pain”
“The buddy days are over”?
I can hear the song “The dog days are over” by Florence + The Machine playing in my head. And maybe, for me, “the buddy days are over”. “[…] The buddy days are over The buddy days are done […] […] Run fast […] […] Leave all your love and your longing behind You can’tContinue reading ““The buddy days are over”?”
More loss — Making space for the new
[Content warning: friends-breakup, loss, grief.] “Yeah, I’m sure he’s a good guy. But if he’s stuck in a toxic relationship with a manipulative woman, that says something about him, too. You cannot be around toxicity without some of it rubbing off onto you…” My buddy’s words from ten days ago echo in my head. He’sContinue reading “More loss — Making space for the new”
My godmother is gone
[Trigger warning: death, loss, grief.] “M.B. passed away this afternoon. Her sister sent me a message to let me know.” I’m sitting at my desk, checking old, archived messages from my mother — old and archived because I generally don’t want to communicate with her and have her blocked most of the time. Her messageContinue reading “My godmother is gone”
Deep wound
“ Wolf mother, where have you been? You look so worn, so thin You’re a taker, devil’s maker Let me hear you sing, hey-ya, hey-ya Wolf father, at the door You don’t smile anymore You’re a drifter, a shapeshifter Let me see you run, hey-ya, hey-ya Holy light, oh, burn the night Oh, keep theContinue reading “Deep wound”
How much courage does it take?
Nearly two decades ago, I went through one of my most painful breakups, my first really painful breakup. At the time, I was in grad school and had been in a very intense and complicated, mostly long-distance, more-than-platonic relationship with a guy I loved very deeply and who sincerely loved me back. He was veryContinue reading “How much courage does it take?”
The unbearable pain of betrayal
Friday was Jack’s birthday. Exactly three weeks after the loaded conversation we had, initiated by him telling me not only about his sexual attraction towards me but in great detail about his sexual desires & fantasies involving me, despite his still being in a monogamous (& toxic) relationship with a woman that has been makingContinue reading “The unbearable pain of betrayal”
“Friends fall for each other”
“Yeah, at surface level what’s happened between you guys seems weird or even impossible, but if you think of it, it’s actually quite a universal experience: friends fall for each other, because they like each other as persons”. Ron’s words yesterday evening brought me some respite, some lightness, almost a sense of things being “smoothedContinue reading ““Friends fall for each other””
Crossing lines of tenderness
As hard as waiting often is, it also, usually, helps to bring clarity. Yesterday was particularly hard for me. Fortunately, though, my buddy Ron was available to talk with me for an hour while I was hiking on one of my favorite trails around sunset. Ron has an almost unrivaled capacity to balance deep emotionalContinue reading “Crossing lines of tenderness”
