[Content warning: suicidal thoughts.] Maybe the worst type of desperation is a quiet one. When things are so bad, when anger and hopelessness are so intense, that one feels nothing or cannot express anything. There’s an expression in Italian, “il peggio non e’ mai morto”, which can be translated as, “it can always get worse”.Continue reading “Quiet desperation”
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Bears and stars
Footsteps. Rustling sounds. All of a sudden I’m woken up by the sound of someone — something — walking around the campsite, the sounds of non-human footfall. I’m not consciously aware of this, it’s not my rational brain telling me, “Oh, that’s the sound of non-human footsteps”. It’s my instinctive, animal brain telling me. It’sContinue reading “Bears and stars”
Wholeness in the pain
I feel it in the pit of the stomach. A knot, almost like a punch in the stomach. I can’t eat, even if I’m hungry, even if it’s time for a meal. I feel like I want, or need, to throw up. It’s rejection. It’s how my body somatizes rejection. “You’ll have to tell meContinue reading “Wholeness in the pain”
I’m over cis-het men
I’m over cis-het men. Or maybe I should say, I’m done with cis-het men. That doesn’t mean I’ll avoid them or their friendship completely or indiscriminately, of course. And it doesn’t mean I’ll stop interacting with the two or three cis-het men who are currently showing up in my life as good friends. But itContinue reading “I’m over cis-het men”
Individuality
“ If you are acting like a sheep Do not blame the shepherd. You cannot herd lions. Wake up and roar And you are free. ” [Papaji]
Marginalization
[Content warning: misgendering; disrespect/discrimination based on transgender identity] “That’s marginalization. I think one of the things you should do is go to the Office of Equity at your institute because to me it sounds like, among other things, you’re being discriminated against on the base of being transgender”. It’s not my therapist or a friendContinue reading “Marginalization”
Adventure buddies — Life companions
The alarm clock wrenches me out of deep sleep. It’s 10 AM. In an hour, I have to get on Zoom for a work training. Back to the reality of the daily grind, I drag myself out of bed, my mind still full of the emotions from the past five days and my body stillContinue reading “Adventure buddies — Life companions”
Scared of my feelings
“Yeah, I was thinking, ‘I dealt her all six of the cards’…” The world seems to stop for a fraction of a second, then Bert continues, “I think I gave you all the cards…” This was two weeks ago. And those sentences, including the pronoun her, were referred to me. Bert & I were onContinue reading “Scared of my feelings”
Lost my sense of purpose
In his impactful and moving memoir “Man’s search for meaning”, psychiatrist & Nazi concentration camp survivor Viktor Frankl observed that those who survived were not the “physically fittest or strongest” but those who had a purpose, something to look forward to. He even credited his own survival to having the goal of completing a book,Continue reading “Lost my sense of purpose”
“The buddy days are over”?
I can hear the song “The dog days are over” by Florence + The Machine playing in my head. And maybe, for me, “the buddy days are over”. “[…] The buddy days are over The buddy days are done […] […] Run fast […] […] Leave all your love and your longing behind You can’tContinue reading ““The buddy days are over”?”
The Little Prince and the Fox 