“Yeah, I was thinking, ‘I dealt her all six of the cards’…”
The world seems to stop for a fraction of a second, then Bert continues, “I think I gave you all the cards…”
This was two weeks ago. And those sentences, including the pronoun her, were referred to me.
Bert & I were on a camping trip together, our first trip ever together, just the two of us, supposedly as buddies.
Bert & I have known each other for almost four years now, although we’ve gotten closer only over the past year, very gradually. We met through a common climbing buddy in the autumn of 2022, before my gender-affirming top-surgery and when my features were still less markedly masculine. Yet, despite meeting me at a time of my life when I still looked like an “androgynous girl” and knowing me only superficially, Bert has always been, in his quiet way, one of my strongest allies. So his use of that pronoun her referred to me threw me for a loop. It didn’t offend me. For a bit, partly, it hurt. But the biggest emotion I felt was surprise, and in some way confusion. The question that came up for me was, “Doesn’t Bert see me as a ‘buddy’ and this as a ‘buddy’s trip’ then?”
In these nearly four years of our acquaintance, Bert & I have seen each other a handful of times. After that first time climbing together outdoors with our common friend in the autumn of 2022, we went climbing outdoors as a group of three a couple other times. After my top-surgery, I was invited to a Thanksgiving celebration at Bert’s, through our common climbing buddy, and I remember noticing that Bert & I were the only two people at that gathering who were single. Then, in January 2024, I invited Bert to the huge party I had to celebrate the first anniversary of my top-surgery, and I remember him having brought sparkles that he put on his face and offered to whoever else wanted some — again, something that struck me as “different” from my other straight guy friends. After that party, there were a few other occasions when he & I climbed together but always with some common friends. Then, at the beginning of June 2025, I invited my closest climbing buddy with his wife and Bert with his then-girlfriend to join me & my oldest nonbinary transmasc friend to a Pride event, as allies. They all joined and the general atmosphere was festive and relaxed. Once again, though, it was Bert who struck me as he was wearing bright purple, shiny spandex shorts and Pride swag that made him look very queer/gay — or, at least, that I would not have expected to see on a “straight” man, no matter how much of an ally he is. I was pleasantly surprised, and probably that fact went and added itself to the bucket of aspects that made me consider Bert as “quirky” in a positive and refreshing way, especially compared to many other straight men.
It wasn’t until this past autumn of 2025, though, that Bert & I started interacting more directly, independently of our common climbing buddy. Once again, I invited my closest climbing buddy with his wife and Bert with his then-girlfriend to my birthday party but of the four of them only Bert could join, so he came alone anyway. At that party, I reminded my friends how the upcoming holiday season would be hard for me and therefore to please include me, if possible, in any of the celebrations — and indeed, a couple weeks later, Bert invited me to join him & some of his close friends for Thanksgiving and then he invited me to join the same group of tight-knit people for New Year’s brunch. At the latter, Bert & I talked quite a bit — something rather unusual for his quiet nature. So then, when I needed a place to stay for a few nights in the city where he lives, about an hour away from my place, in February and March, I asked him for hospitality, which he gave me. His then-girlfriend, with whom he was still living at the time, was barely around, so he & I had time to ourselves and got to know each other better, in a way that felt easy and spontaneous, and I was several times pleasantly surprised, almost amazed, at the breadth & depth of his knowledge or understanding, and even sympathy, of trans issues. I could talk and be as authentically myself with him as I can only with my very closest friends — and yet, in some ways, the friendship between me & Bert was/is still very “new”. But I felt comfortable and safe with him, that I could be my true whole self, and I genuinely enjoyed his company, his intelligence, his gentleness. The thought that went through my head, reflecting these feelings, was simply “I really like Bert!”
This spring he broke up with his girlfriend and moved — and I, together with his other close friends, gave him practical help. He had shown up for me so often, especially in the past year, that it felt only natural for me to show up for him. This past spring, I had also suggested to him and our common, close climbing buddy a camping/climbing trip all together: the latter declined, saying that for the time being he can only do “local days at the crag”, given his wife’s pregnancy; Bert, though, replied positively, saying he’d be happy to, as of June or so, after he’d settled in from his recent move. So, I decided to try and pursue this friendship, thinking quite logically to myself: “Here’s a person whose company I enjoy, who shares many interests with me, who’s shown up when I needed it, and who’s now also single, which most of my other buddies are not. So there’s potential for a good friendship here”. And, indeed, two weeks ago Bert & I went on our first trip together, just the two of us.
And it threw me for a loop.
I hadn’t known what to expect. I was excited but also a little apprehensive, not knowing whether we’d really be compatible as traveling companions, having never spent more than a few hours in each other’s company. Now we were carpooling and spending two days & one night together, camping & doing some easy hiking. So we had plenty of time for personal interactions. And the ease I felt in those two days with him blew my mind. I hadn’t felt so relaxed, truly relaxed, my whole nervous system relaxing, and so happy in a profound but also simple way, in years. And his use of the pronoun her for me, that slip he made, didn’t spoil those feelings for me. Somehow, after the initial pang and surprise and confusion, it added to the sense of ease with him. Maybe it was precisely that slip on his part that opened up in me the desire to get physically close to him.
I am not physically/sexually attracted to him, and I honestly don’t even consider him handsome (i.e. esthetically attractive as some of my other buddies might be). And yet, I guess my aro-ace self was (& is) drawn to this person because I feel safe with him and seen in my whole self by him. He knows I’m trans. He’s even seen me pre-top-surgery. He knows I’m gay/queer. He’s one of the few cis-men around whom I still feel comfortable wearing leggings (he sometimes also wears leggings, by the way). When I brought up to him, the next day, his use of the pronoun her for me, it was evident he felt awful about it and he was extremely apologetic, saying, “I don’t know what happened there”. But I assured him I wasn’t offended, just curious to know how he sees me, explaining to him how important friends like him are to me, those few people I still have in my life who’ve seen me throughout the various phases of my gender journey. His reply was: “I see you as a guy. But there are also aspects of you that I would call ‘feminine’, like the connection you have to your feelings and the openness with which you talk about your emotions, which are things that in our society we usually associate to ‘women’. I wish men would do more of that, too, but we’re not socialized to as much, unfortunately”.
His answer totally made sense to me. It didn’t offend me at all, on the contrary, in many ways it was validating. I don’t care if Bert sees my “feminine” sides — on the contrary, it’s a relief to me that he does and that I can express them freely with him, in ways that I still feel uncomfortable doing with my more recent cis-guy friends (at least, with the straight ones).
I don’t know how Bert feels with me or about our friendship. I don’t know whether he sees me “just as a buddy” with whom to go on an occasional weekend trip outdoors. But I know that the way I feel with him is the way I want to feel with a companion, a partner, an adventure buddy with whom I can imagine & would desire connections that go beyond platonic.
And these feelings I have for Bert scare me.
The Little Prince and the Fox 