My mind likes to have something to focus on. Or something to obsess about. And periodically, it obsesses about “having a boyfriend” (whatever that may mean for someone who is aro-ace). I often – more and more often – think that the importance my buddies have for me or the affection I feel for themContinue reading “Flow-of-consciousness thoughts & feelings on my unmet relational needs”
Tag Archives: love
Finding myself again
A quarter of a century ago, the summer after I had finished high school, I met a boy who was nearly three years younger than I and who quickly became one of my closest friends and biggest loves. We were sailing partners, buddies, lovers, siblings. We’re still in touch to this day — in fact,Continue reading “Finding myself again”
Explorations, revelations, validations
Last night I went out dancing with two guys from the chorus who are also newbies: with one of them I connected over the Pride weekend; with the other I had had a few conversations when he had just joined the chorus (3 months after I did) and I had made a point of welcomingContinue reading “Explorations, revelations, validations”
Something died within me: nothing to look forward to
[Trigger warnings: death, loss, grief; depression.] I spend a lot of time in my head: rumination, dreams, memories. The present is bleak, the future a black hole with nothing to look forward to. Five years ago, with the COVID pandemic, something broke for me. Something broke me — the long illness, the complete isolation, theContinue reading “Something died within me: nothing to look forward to”
The lesser of two evils
For seven years, from 2008/2009 to 2015/2016, I was together with someone who was my sexual, “romantic”, and nesting partner. We met in grad school through our common group of friends and got together the last year of our PhD. We moved in together after about a year of being sexually involved with each otherContinue reading “The lesser of two evils”
A mistake but not necessarily wrong
“ Lomeli said in a low voice, “Did I do the right thing, Vincent? What is your opinion?” “No one who follows their conscience ever does wrong, Your Eminence. The consequences may not turn out as we intend; it may prove in time that we made a mistake. But that is not the same asContinue reading “A mistake but not necessarily wrong”
Trust: the most fundamental form of love
We were swinging freely almost twenty meters above the ground. The 9-mm climbing rope went through the two rappel rings at the top, 100 feet up from the ground, a “free-hanging rappel”, i.e. a lowering technique where there are no walls around or adjacent to you: you’re lowering from what is basically a hole inContinue reading “Trust: the most fundamental form of love”
Friendship: “Highway Queen”
This is how I feel about, or one way I would describe, true friendship: “ Well, there’s only a few pines left by the highway side And they all whistle as the wind rips straight through your pride Baby, it’s only your eyes and mine And this darkness that grows in time Oh, ‘cause youContinue reading “Friendship: “Highway Queen””
A week of strengthening & broadening bonds
This week I’ve been able to see close friends every single day since getting home from Chicago on Monday. That in and as of itself has been lovely; but what has made it even lovelier has been a strengthening or broadening of the bonds with them. The Chicago trip, just as the Durango trip aContinue reading “A week of strengthening & broadening bonds”
Desperate urgency & holding the line
I’ve been trying to understand my unwillingness to keep up a friendship with the gender-expansive gay guy with whom I had hooked up unless he also takes concrete steps to initiate our meetings/plans. Why am I drawing such a hard line with him that I don’t necessarily draw with other friends? After all, isn’t friendshipContinue reading “Desperate urgency & holding the line”
The Little Prince and the Fox 