I just got home from my run — a good, satisfying workout, and yet what I feel is that I want to cry. I feel a deep, intense sadness. I feel sad. I’ve been ruminating for days, maybe weeks, on & off, trying to figure out the causes for why people don’t like me physically/sexuallyContinue reading “Double impossibility”
Tag Archives: love
Avalanche in Tahoe
[Trigger warnings: death; grief] My phone rings. It’s my buddy Ron. We’ve been playing phone tag all day, so I pick up immediately. “Hey A., before we go into anything… there was an avalanche in Tahoe…”, the words catch in his throat as my mind already knows what’s coming next — “… my friend… he’sContinue reading “Avalanche in Tahoe”
Time to sit with this pain, again
[Trigger warnings: grief; suicide] One of my oldest and dearest friends, who has endured an awful amount of both physical and emotional pain, once stated that people take their own life when the pain (physical or emotional) becomes too intense to endure. That’s probably what brought us close at the beginning, when we met, twoContinue reading “Time to sit with this pain, again”
A moral question
“Where were you when your father needed you?” is something my mother has asked me full of venom almost every time we have talked since my father’s death two & a half years ago — which is one of the reasons why the times we talk are so few and far between. Where was myContinue reading “A moral question”
The mountain is me
“ I’ve become A figment of my imagination That’s why I run Towards self-love and inner restoration ” “I like the person I’ve become”. The thought curses through my head, all of a sudden, almost startling me, as I’m sitting at the table, eating my breakfast cereal, tears streaming down my cheeks and Chance Peña’sContinue reading “The mountain is me”
The many levels of pain beneath the umpteenth rejection
This afternoon, I got the umpteenth rejection. Once again, it was from a gay cis-man. I was expecting it, I had a gut feeling he didn’t return my feelings of physical attraction, but still I needed to clarify explicitly. We’ve been friends for only a couple of months, having met through a common climbing buddy,Continue reading “The many levels of pain beneath the umpteenth rejection”
The eternal extra work for AFAB persons
Yesterday, I found myself venting with one of my closest cis-guy friends about my confusion and disappointment: the gay climber (another cis-man) with whom I had seemed to connect so nicely over the holidays and who seemed to genuinely enjoy my company & to care about my friendship has ghosted me. He didn’t reply toContinue reading “The eternal extra work for AFAB persons”
“It is what it is”
[Trigger warnings: death, loss, grief.] “ […] We’re lost and no-one wants to feel like that We’ll find a way we can work this out But it is what it is right now I don’t have the words to make this right Or a way to fix it all tonight I know right now, itContinue reading ““It is what it is””
Vegan Xmas
This has been my first good Christmas in Colorado and my first really good Christmas in years, maybe decades. I spent Christmas Eve with my best running buddy and his family. He is a truly good friend and his family (wife, daughter and mother-in-law) have become somewhat extended family to me, too, or I haveContinue reading “Vegan Xmas”
“Hopeless Wanderer”
[Trigger warnings: death, loss, grief] This Christmas seems to be turning out more promising, less lonely, than usual: tonight I have the choice between a dinner that my housemate is having with some of their friends at our place or joining one of my closest running buddies to celebrate with his family; tomorrow, I haveContinue reading ““Hopeless Wanderer””
The Little Prince and the Fox 