This afternoon, I got the umpteenth rejection. Once again, it was from a gay cis-man. I was expecting it, I had a gut feeling he didn’t return my feelings of physical attraction, but still I needed to clarify explicitly. We’ve been friends for only a couple of months, having met through a common climbing buddy,Continue reading “The many levels of pain beneath the umpteenth rejection”
Tag Archives: loss
“It is what it is”
[Trigger warnings: death, loss, grief.] “ […] We’re lost and no-one wants to feel like that We’ll find a way we can work this out But it is what it is right now I don’t have the words to make this right Or a way to fix it all tonight I know right now, itContinue reading ““It is what it is””
“Hopeless Wanderer”
[Trigger warnings: death, loss, grief] This Christmas seems to be turning out more promising, less lonely, than usual: tonight I have the choice between a dinner that my housemate is having with some of their friends at our place or joining one of my closest running buddies to celebrate with his family; tomorrow, I haveContinue reading ““Hopeless Wanderer””
Hard week
This is a hard week. On the one hand, there’s the realistic, almost chemical, fact of coming down after 2-3 weeks of almost steady high, nonstop go-go-go — hence the ensuing physical tiredness and also a sense of emptiness. But what makes this particular “low after the high” so hard is that it’s Thanksgiving week. Continue reading “Hard week”
Ripping off the bandaid
Of course this is painful. Of course I’m feeling uncomfortable and even somewhat dysregulated. This is a loss, yet another loss. I have decided to quit the gay men’s chorus. I will have to grieve this. But what is “this” exactly? My identity as “gay man”, or my “wish to be accepted as a gayContinue reading “Ripping off the bandaid”
The little things we remember
[Content warnings: loss, grief, death.] Often, it’s the small things we remember about the ones we loved and lost. The color and shape of their eyes. The sound of their laugh. The inflection of their voice as they told us they love us. “Ich liebe dich”, A. said suddenly, almost bluntly, matter-of-factly, for the firstContinue reading “The little things we remember”
Something died within me: nothing to look forward to
[Trigger warnings: death, loss, grief; depression.] I spend a lot of time in my head: rumination, dreams, memories. The present is bleak, the future a black hole with nothing to look forward to. Five years ago, with the COVID pandemic, something broke for me. Something broke me — the long illness, the complete isolation, theContinue reading “Something died within me: nothing to look forward to”
This hard week ahead
It’s Monday. Not as bad as last week but still hard. And a hard week ahead. Since starting to sing with the gay men’s chorus last September, Mondays have become a day of great emotional upheaval. For nearly two months at the beginning, the emotions were mostly negative, difficult, and painful. Then, they became joyfulContinue reading “This hard week ahead”
Hanging heartbreaks
Why does every new heartbreak trigger, or re-open, all of the old ones? I need to learn to get closure and/or repair together with the person(s) involved in the breakup(s) with me. I think this is my biggest mistake, or weakness, when it comes to relationships ending. My anger — that has been a faithfulContinue reading “Hanging heartbreaks”
My need to be held
The past nights have been rough. No matter how well my day might have gone and how satisfied & tired I might feel when I go to bed, I keep waking up sometime between 2-3 in the morning and cannot fall back asleep for several hours. The rumination and the sadness and the anger areContinue reading “My need to be held”
The Little Prince and the Fox 