[Content warnings: loss, grief, death.] Often, it’s the small things we remember about the ones we loved and lost. The color and shape of their eyes. The sound of their laugh. The inflection of their voice as they told us they love us. “Ich liebe dich”, A. said suddenly, almost bluntly, matter-of-factly, for the firstContinue reading “The little things we remember”
Tag Archives: loss
Something died within me: nothing to look forward to
[Trigger warnings: death, loss, grief; depression.] I spend a lot of time in my head: rumination, dreams, memories. The present is bleak, the future a black hole with nothing to look forward to. Five years ago, with the COVID pandemic, something broke for me. Something broke me — the long illness, the complete isolation, theContinue reading “Something died within me: nothing to look forward to”
This hard week ahead
It’s Monday. Not as bad as last week but still hard. And a hard week ahead. Since starting to sing with the gay men’s chorus last September, Mondays have become a day of great emotional upheaval. For nearly two months at the beginning, the emotions were mostly negative, difficult, and painful. Then, they became joyfulContinue reading “This hard week ahead”
Hanging heartbreaks
Why does every new heartbreak trigger, or re-open, all of the old ones? I need to learn to get closure and/or repair together with the person(s) involved in the breakup(s) with me. I think this is my biggest mistake, or weakness, when it comes to relationships ending. My anger — that has been a faithfulContinue reading “Hanging heartbreaks”
My need to be held
The past nights have been rough. No matter how well my day might have gone and how satisfied & tired I might feel when I go to bed, I keep waking up sometime between 2-3 in the morning and cannot fall back asleep for several hours. The rumination and the sadness and the anger areContinue reading “My need to be held”
“… a version of you that I might not have but will not lose”
“ As you promised me that I was more than all the miles combined You must have had yourself a change of heart like Halfway through the drive ‘Cause your voice trailed off exactly as you passed my exit sign You kept on drivin’ straight and left our future to the right Now I amContinue reading ““… a version of you that I might not have but will not lose””
“when you have forgotten Sunday: the love story”
“ —And when you have forgotten the bright bedclothes on a Wednesday and a Saturday, And most especially when you have forgotten Sunday— When you have forgotten Sunday halves in bed, Or me sitting on the front-room radiator in the limping afternoon Looking off down the long street To nowhere, Hugged by my plain oldContinue reading ““when you have forgotten Sunday: the love story””
Relational ablation
“Ablation” (definition/meaning, e.g. Merriam-Webster dictionary): a) surgical removal; b) loss or removal of a part (such as ice from a glacier or the outside of a nose cone)[…]. In their support of my difficulties at the retreat due to the recent ending of the relationship with the gender-expansive gay guy with whom I had hookedContinue reading “Relational ablation”
A hole is a space you can fill
On Monday evening, a relationship that I cared about, or hoped for, ended. In reality, in my own head & heart, that relationship had ended already the previous week. In fact, on Sunday, foreseeing a difficult conversation with the gender-expansive gay guy from the chorus and ensuing “emotional wreck” state for me, I reached outContinue reading “A hole is a space you can fill”
I’m never there for them when they go…
[Trigger warnings: death, loss, grief, corpse] One of my earliest clear memories is from when I was six years old and our dog, a rescued mutt, was put down because he was old and, especially, suffering from his illness. I wasn’t actually present, at the vet’s, when they put him down, but I remember knowingContinue reading “I’m never there for them when they go…”
The Little Prince and the Fox 