“Ablation” (definition/meaning, e.g. Merriam-Webster dictionary): a) surgical removal; b) loss or removal of a part (such as ice from a glacier or the outside of a nose cone)[…].
In their support of my difficulties at the retreat due to the recent ending of the relationship with the gender-expansive gay guy with whom I had hooked up, one of my closest nonbinary friends asked me if my decision to end that relationship felt empowering to me.
At first, I couldn’t find an answer.
Now, the best way I can explain how it feels is by comparing it to the ablation I had a little over two months ago.
The decision I made about not pursuing the friendship with the gender-expansive gay guy with whom I had hooked up is internal: I came to that conclusion within myself, over the course of weeks, and put it into effect, practically, last Monday; but I did so in a way that is explicit or clear only to myself (& my close friends) — in the clarifying (for me also final) conversation he & I had last Monday, I did not say, “I don’t want to be friends with you anymore”.
In our clarifying (& for me also final) conversation, we each stated what we would like from our friendship: and there’s a mismatch. On his part, he’d be happy to continue seeing each other as we have been, while also acknowledging that he’d have to put more effort into reaching out & initiating things, but without “benefits”. So theoretically, we could keep hanging out platonically every couple of weeks. But I don’t want that anymore and I’m definitely done with reaching out to initiate things with him. But I didn’t say that explicitly to him. My decision stands and is as solid as ever, but it is my own, it is internal: I have processed it and prepared myself for weeks for this; I have shared it with my close friends; I have deleted his contact info from my phone; I know it’s necessary and healthy for me; and I am determined to never reach out to him to hang out again — and I know I will hold true to this decisions of mine.
While being very clear on the inside, though, this decisions is not evident on the outside: he probably doesn’t realize, or know about it, yet.
And in this sense it’s like my ablation. The procedure was performed in mid-December. Technically, my body (specifically, my uterus) changed immediately on the inside. But nothing showed on the outside. An ablation doesn’t leave scars on the outside (the scars on my belly are from the salpingectomy). And the practical, long-term effects of an ablation can really be seen only months down the road: it will only be once I start “skipping my period” for several months in a row that I will eventually, finally, realize what I got done in December. All I could feel in December, after the procedure, was pain. The decision of having the procedure done in the first place was a determined, rational, practical decision for something that I knew was, or would be, necessary and healthy for me. But the relief and/or sense of liberation or empowerment will come later down the road, once an “old pattern” is finally broken or no longer repeated.
For me, the recent ending of the relationship with the gender-expansive gay guy with whom I had hooked up feels similar: for now, nothing “shows on the outside”, and on the inside I mostly feel pain. It will take weeks of the “old pattern” being finally broken or no longer repeated for me (& probably him) to actually realize that this relationship is over.
And only then will I finally feel the full sense of liberation and empowerment from this decision of mine.
The Little Prince and the Fox 