[Trigger warnings: childhood trauma/wounds.] Apart from the heavy sexual jokes and the feeling isolated because I’m unable to socialize with people in the chorus, the other big factor making me feel uncomfortable not only during rehearsals but even for hours and days afterwards is that I cannot recognize the person I become when I’m there:Continue reading “Regression?”
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“Daddy issues”
[Trigger warnings: explicit sexual references/language; childhood trauma/wounds.] Once again, on Sunday I had an extremely hard time at rehearsal with the gay men’s chorus. I once again had a near-meltdown and then a tantrum afterwards. Some of the reasons for the difficult emotions were my own, partly even unrelated to the choir: my general burnout;Continue reading ““Daddy issues””
Burnout
I’m burned out. Not as a figure of speech: I’m actually, medically burn out, i.e., if I went to a doctor with these symptoms, I would get diagnosed with burnout and have the right to paid medical leave from work (at least, in Europe). I tend to be a very energetic person. I had seriousContinue reading “Burnout”
It’s not all on me
I’ve decided to write to three of the gay men’s chorus members with whom I feel relatively comfortable and who are in more leadership positions to voice my struggles in feeling welcome in the choir. I know that a lot of it is on me, due to my own impostor syndromes, internalized transphobia, shyness, andContinue reading “It’s not all on me”
Baby steps forward?
Maybe there are some improvements for how I’m feeling in the gay men’s chorus. Once again yesterday I was a nervous wreck before rehearsal and feeling anxious and isolated during rehearsal to the point where it was a huge effort to even sing and I escaped to hide in my car during the halfway-break. ThereContinue reading “Baby steps forward?”
“Inkpot Gods”
Per Papá & für A***: “ Oh, what? These, these aren’t tears It’s just the rain that wasn’t brave enough to fall And what they hear isn’t laughter, after all It’s just your voice learning for once to stand up tall And when the rain came down I made a vow out to the darkContinue reading ““Inkpot Gods””
Craving platonic human touch
I miss human touch. But I’m also terrified of it. I have similar contradictory feelings when it comes to the desire for connection with & interest from gay men. I think both of these contradictory desires of mine boil down to the same thing: I crave platonic human touch. I not only want human touch,Continue reading “Craving platonic human touch”
My internalized transphobia
I had another awful afternoon & evening at the gay men’s chorus’ rehearsal. Gone was all the euphoric gender-bending of the past few days; back was the internalized transphobia in all its visciousness. Since the second week I have been going to rehearsals without wearing my two “statement wristbands” (the nonbinary-flag colors & trans-flag colors)Continue reading “My internalized transphobia”
Love vs. Romance
There’s a quote in a book on asexuality (by Caterina Appia) that I can relate to very deeply, a quote by Michela Murgia about what could be considered aromanticism. While Michela Murgia didn’t openly identify as an aro person, so neither the author of the book nor I want to describe her as aromantic, IContinue reading “Love vs. Romance”
My way of deconstructing gender
Yesterday, I had a difficult but necessary and helpful conversation with one of my dearest friends here who is a nonbinary AFAB person. Being nonbinary AFAB people is one of the things that drew us close two years ago (although I was already openly transmasculine then, too) and among other things yesterday they mentioned how myContinue reading “My way of deconstructing gender”
The Little Prince and the Fox 