Another sleepless night, tossing and turning in bed. Restless and sleepless despite my physical tiredness. It’s my emotions. So similar to the couple of days prior to my gender-affirming top-surgery in January 2023 and so similar to the last couple of days in Spain before moving to California in January 2016. The main feeling IContinue reading “Standing on the threshold: the day before”
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This scared child
[Trigger warning: some detail about surgery (ablation & salpingectomy).] Last night, despite my tiredness, I couldn’t fall asleep. I was physically exhausted but my mind kept spinning, taking some upsetting thoughts & feelings and running with them. I could literally see, feel the spinning — one of the few times that I have really beenContinue reading “This scared child”
FOMO
I’ve been wiped out by fatigue since Tuesday and yesterday I woke up with a sore throat and I still feel tired and with cold symptoms. Apparently, I have nothing “serious”: the swab/PCR tests for COVID, STREP, RSV, and flu all came back negative, so that’s good news. But I’m probably fighting something and definitelyContinue reading “FOMO”
“Internal Family Systems”
I’ve never really done therapy with the Internal Family Systems method but I am familiar with the concepts and tools from it. And I think I’ve been living or enacting it in my life lately, partly even unawares. Lately, I’ve been having lots of (not unpleasant) dreams in which my sister and/or my mother appearContinue reading ““Internal Family Systems””
My gay men’s family
The first performance I did with the gay men’s chorus on Thursday evening ended up being such a difficult, overwhelming experience for me that I skipped the one on the next day. Last Thursday, I just couldn’t get myself in the mood to perform with them. My social battery was drained, my introvert self wasContinue reading “My gay men’s family”
Too much cake…?
Tonight I have the first full, official concert with the gay men’s chorus. And I’m not really in the mood for it. Since last Wednesday, in just over one week, I’ve sung & hung out with people from the choir already four times, and will have to do so for four more days in aContinue reading “Too much cake…?”
Men’s dress shoes & ties: gender-euphoria & healing
I thought I hated shopping. I actually used to hate shopping — shopping for clothes or shoes or accessories always felt like a nightmare to me and I used to avoid it like the plague. I still avoid shopping: I tend to do it only when I really, really have to (e.g. today, I finallyContinue reading “Men’s dress shoes & ties: gender-euphoria & healing”
Own my choices and then let go
Sometimes I tend to ruminate and/or hold onto things more than is necessary, or even good, for me. OK, so this gay men’s chorus means a lot to me. Fine. Six months ago, I made the decision to reach out to them and prepare for the audition, which I eventually passed in August. I acceptedContinue reading “Own my choices and then let go”
Slowly learning to let go…
I’m feeling a sense of sadness that is similar to what I experience sometimes after the super-high of a race: it’s like some sort of “post-high low”. I’m probably also trying to come to terms with the fact that this gay men’s chorus means so much more to me that I do to them. IfContinue reading “Slowly learning to let go…”
Gender-less, gender-full, gender-free
Last night, I danced Swing (& some Polka) with one of the gay men from our chorus. In the evening we had another volunteer community singing event where some of us participated; then we went caroling for local businesses in a queer district in the city; and then we finally went to one of theContinue reading “Gender-less, gender-full, gender-free”
The Little Prince and the Fox 