I don’t know when exactly I started adopting pervasively the method of “not thinking about it”. I’ve definitely been doing it these nearly four years in Colorado, and I probably did it also in California, at least for a while, certainly during the pandemic. Don’t think about it, I tell myself. I don’t even tellContinue reading “Don’t think about it”
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Self definition — Self defense — Self sabotage
I’m sitting on the couch laughing, soaking in all the good vibes and affection from my friends who’ve come over to celebrate my birthday. There’s about a dozen of us and, apart from my two transmasc friends and one of my buddies’ fiancé (a cis woman), it’s a bunch of straight guys. These are myContinue reading “Self definition — Self defense — Self sabotage”
What next?
A week ago, I was sick, coming down with a bad cold just a few days before my planned “grand finale” race for the year: my first longer-than-half-marathon trail run in Southern California on December 6th. All of last week, amidst extremely dark bouts of depression, was spent with the sole focus of getting overContinue reading “What next?”
“What a grieving friend might need most from you”
[Content warnings: grief; loss; death of loved one(s)] Last night, I heard a report on NPR about supporting friends/loved ones through grief: “What a grieving friend might need most from you”. In the summer of 2023, I experienced two devastating losses, one of which — the death of my father & the fact that he will neverContinue reading ““What a grieving friend might need most from you””
The end…?
It’s the last day of November, an eventful, intense month, “my month”. But as I sit on the couch, sipping my black English breakfast tea on this wintry morning, I feel like more than just this month is over. I feel like I’m nearing “the end”, some “end”. The “end” of what, though? The endContinue reading “The end…?”
The tip of winter is here
Last night, we got the first snow of the season here in Colorado (apart from the snow up in the mountains). It’s been a whole month later that in 2022 & 2023 and four weeks later than last year. It was just a sprinkle, just enough to cover the rooftops, and it’s already almost gone inContinue reading “The tip of winter is here”
Grief haircut
This afternoon, despite the cold winter weather, I went and got almost all my hair shaved off. I’ve worn lots of different hairstyles in the past three decades, mostly short or medium-short. At any given moment, though, regardless of the hairstyle, when I feel intense pain — mostly pain from loss and/or grief — IContinue reading “Grief haircut”
“I’ll be OK”
“ I feel the love but not from the ones who love me I’m not alone, so why am I so lonely? I’m too stressed to be depressed I must confess I ain’t so blessed It eats me up but still, I’ve got a heart that’s hungry I’ll be okay, but I’m not okay right now I’ll be okay,Continue reading ““I’ll be OK””
Hard week
This is a hard week. On the one hand, there’s the realistic, almost chemical, fact of coming down after 2-3 weeks of almost steady high, nonstop go-go-go — hence the ensuing physical tiredness and also a sense of emptiness. But what makes this particular “low after the high” so hard is that it’s Thanksgiving week. Continue reading “Hard week”
Born again — Dead again
[Trigger warnings: death; loss of loved one; grief.] This weekend I was reminded very painfully of how life and death are the two sides of the same coin. Two weeks ago in Chicago, on my 44th birthday, I was born again as my chosen name and affirmed gender were registered at the Italian Consulate —Continue reading “Born again — Dead again”
The Little Prince and the Fox 