[Content warnings: loss, grief, death.] Often, my favorite songs remind me of beloved persons or meaningful places or memorable experiences. I’ve never been to Maine. I have no connection to Maine, nor does my European queer ex-lover. Yet, Noah Kahan’s song Maine for some reason makes me think of my European queer ex-lover. Maybe it’sContinue reading ““Maine””
Tag Archives: grief
Something died within me: nothing to look forward to
[Trigger warnings: death, loss, grief; depression.] I spend a lot of time in my head: rumination, dreams, memories. The present is bleak, the future a black hole with nothing to look forward to. Five years ago, with the COVID pandemic, something broke for me. Something broke me — the long illness, the complete isolation, theContinue reading “Something died within me: nothing to look forward to”
My need to be held
The past nights have been rough. No matter how well my day might have gone and how satisfied & tired I might feel when I go to bed, I keep waking up sometime between 2-3 in the morning and cannot fall back asleep for several hours. The rumination and the sadness and the anger areContinue reading “My need to be held”
A hole is a space you can fill
On Monday evening, a relationship that I cared about, or hoped for, ended. In reality, in my own head & heart, that relationship had ended already the previous week. In fact, on Sunday, foreseeing a difficult conversation with the gender-expansive gay guy from the chorus and ensuing “emotional wreck” state for me, I reached outContinue reading “A hole is a space you can fill”
I’m never there for them when they go…
[Trigger warnings: death, loss, grief, corpse] One of my earliest clear memories is from when I was six years old and our dog, a rescued mutt, was put down because he was old and, especially, suffering from his illness. I wasn’t actually present, at the vet’s, when they put him down, but I remember knowingContinue reading “I’m never there for them when they go…”
Grief and that unrelenting yearning
[Trigger warnings: loss, death of parent, grief.] Ten days ago, the weekend I was staying with my closest climbing buddy and his partner, after my solo hike on Sunday I could feel this lump in my throat, this knot in my chest as I relaxed. Grief. Grief that needed to be honored and released. IContinue reading “Grief and that unrelenting yearning”
The Little Prince and the Fox 