[Trigger warnings: death; loss of loved one; grief.] This weekend I was reminded very painfully of how life and death are the two sides of the same coin. Two weeks ago in Chicago, on my 44th birthday, I was born again as my chosen name and affirmed gender were registered at the Italian Consulate —Continue reading “Born again — Dead again”
Tag Archives: grief
Ripping off the bandaid
Of course this is painful. Of course I’m feeling uncomfortable and even somewhat dysregulated. This is a loss, yet another loss. I have decided to quit the gay men’s chorus. I will have to grieve this. But what is “this” exactly? My identity as “gay man”, or my “wish to be accepted as a gayContinue reading “Ripping off the bandaid”
Free from denial — Free to love
The next-to-last night of my camping trip in South Dakota at the end of August was beautifully clear. I was going for an evening walk in the meadow that occupied a big portion of the campground and was, at the end of the season, completely empty. It was dusk, the sky darkening gradually over theContinue reading “Free from denial — Free to love”
The little things we remember
[Content warnings: loss, grief, death.] Often, it’s the small things we remember about the ones we loved and lost. The color and shape of their eyes. The sound of their laugh. The inflection of their voice as they told us they love us. “Ich liebe dich”, A. said suddenly, almost bluntly, matter-of-factly, for the firstContinue reading “The little things we remember”
“Maine”
[Content warnings: loss, grief, death.] Often, my favorite songs remind me of beloved persons or meaningful places or memorable experiences. I’ve never been to Maine. I have no connection to Maine, nor does my European queer ex-lover. Yet, Noah Kahan’s song Maine for some reason makes me think of my European queer ex-lover. Maybe it’sContinue reading ““Maine””
Something died within me: nothing to look forward to
[Trigger warnings: death, loss, grief; depression.] I spend a lot of time in my head: rumination, dreams, memories. The present is bleak, the future a black hole with nothing to look forward to. Five years ago, with the COVID pandemic, something broke for me. Something broke me — the long illness, the complete isolation, theContinue reading “Something died within me: nothing to look forward to”
My need to be held
The past nights have been rough. No matter how well my day might have gone and how satisfied & tired I might feel when I go to bed, I keep waking up sometime between 2-3 in the morning and cannot fall back asleep for several hours. The rumination and the sadness and the anger areContinue reading “My need to be held”
A hole is a space you can fill
On Monday evening, a relationship that I cared about, or hoped for, ended. In reality, in my own head & heart, that relationship had ended already the previous week. In fact, on Sunday, foreseeing a difficult conversation with the gender-expansive gay guy from the chorus and ensuing “emotional wreck” state for me, I reached outContinue reading “A hole is a space you can fill”
I’m never there for them when they go…
[Trigger warnings: death, loss, grief, corpse] One of my earliest clear memories is from when I was six years old and our dog, a rescued mutt, was put down because he was old and, especially, suffering from his illness. I wasn’t actually present, at the vet’s, when they put him down, but I remember knowingContinue reading “I’m never there for them when they go…”
Grief and that unrelenting yearning
[Trigger warnings: loss, death of parent, grief.] Ten days ago, the weekend I was staying with my closest climbing buddy and his partner, after my solo hike on Sunday I could feel this lump in my throat, this knot in my chest as I relaxed. Grief. Grief that needed to be honored and released. IContinue reading “Grief and that unrelenting yearning”
The Little Prince and the Fox 