Category Archives: Uncategorized

It’s weird, this feeling of naming and asking for what I want.  It’s also confusing, dizzying, and terrifying in many ways — it puts so much responsibility, so much pressure, on one, on oneself, on me.  If I name, ask for, actually go for, what I want, then I’m (more) responsible for the outcome, forContinue reading “Naming more of “what I want””

My counselor is also encouraging me to start thinking about, and actually naming, what I want within relationships, especially romantic ones.  It’s not the first time that a therapist, after listening to me repeat dozens of times “I should…”, “I could…”, “I can…”, “I cannot…” with respect to some relationship or other, has bluntly askedContinue reading “What I want (in this moment)”

In our session last week, my therapist suggested I write a love letter to myself, i.e. what I would like or need to hear from a lover / loved one, what it means to me to be loved (especially in the context of romantic relationships, but not only).  Here’s what came out of me yesterday,Continue reading “Love letter to me”

Yesterday I spent my whole Friday evening with a relatively new but also already very good friend — a friendship that started within the queer/trans community, spurred mostly/initially by our both being climbers (& very much outdoors, trad climbers), and that seems to be turning into a nice, well-rounded friendship that includes meals/drinks and aContinue reading “From object to subject?”

These are not decisions I made, or am making, light-heartedly.  I had envisioned my summer of 2023 very differently. I had imagined that after recovering from my gender-affirming top-surgery, I would get fully back to work in a very productive way, wrap up my textbook completely, publish the results from the past year of postdocContinue reading “Finding the meaning of my summer of 2023”

I’m taking back my power.  I still do have a choice.  And maybe it hasn’t really been “one step forward, two steps back” for me — maybe I’ve learned and grown more than expected from all this.  This anger I’m feeling is the “good type of anger”, it’s my friend. It’s that anger that tellsContinue reading “Taking back my power”

I strongly believe in the fact that sometimes, when you love someone, you’ve got to let them go, even if just temporarily at times.  This has been an issue for me with a few friends, with my family of origin for years, and most recently with my genderqueer European ex-lover. For me, grief is deeplyContinue reading “My right to “radio silence””

My days are full of things to do, people to see, friends who love me. But my soul is empty, my heart a hole.  I run through my days, seemingly my usual active, lively self on the outside. But I’m dead inside.  I’m an empty shell.

My friends ask me how I’m doing. And I don’t really know what to answer. There are days when my emotions fluctuate wildly and are extremely intense — pain, sadness, grief, loneliness, anger, but also a sense of freedom, liberation, belonging here geographically. On days of such emotional roller-coasters it’s hard for me to sayContinue reading “The lost boy”

Here and now, at home in Colorado.  It’s warm, already too warm for me to go for a run at 9am. It’s sunny and bright and there’s a very gentle breeze. Some birds are chirping. Somebody is mowing a lawn not too far from my front porch — I cannot see them but I canContinue reading “Here & now: self-regulating at home in Colorado”