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I now officially sing bass. Or maybe baritone, but still on the males’ deeper voice spectrum.  My voice has been gradually dropping for over a year and a half with some discontinuous, almost sudden, changes, like bumps downwards every now and then. For months I have been aware of how deep my voice is whenContinue reading “I now officially sing bass!”

Last night I went out dancing. I went out dancing again at last.  There’s a live music & dancing venue in the town where I live where a band was playing songs by The Eagles last night and since one of my neighbors & I both really like The Eagles and had been trying toContinue reading “Pure, untainted joy again at last!”

“ This is how it is with love.  Once invited, it steps in gently,  circles twice,  and takes up as much space as you will give it.  “ [Joyce Sidman] The love I got again for a couple months last spring & summer was of a type that I hadn’t had for a long time,Continue reading ““This is how it is with love””

Grief is hitting me like a truck. Or maybe like a tsunami — because a simple wave I could ride, or swim through, or sail over.  It woke me up early this morning, maybe around 3 or 4 am. I’m not sure, I didn’t look at the time, I just let myself feel. I letContinue reading “Grief is hitting me like a truck”

[Trigger warning: vivid dream of a car crash with some injuries but no casualties; darkness.] A couple weeks ago my French climbing buddy left me a very sweet voicemail to say Hi and explain his recent silence — and he said, literally, “Sorry, dude, but life has been hitting me like a truck”.  Apart fromContinue reading ““Life is hitting me like a truck””

This has been the first good Christmas for me in years. But it’s also been very melancholic and full of different, even opposite, intense emotions.  This month of December has been rough, a roller-coaster of feelings, often difficult ones, with a lot of loneliness and fear of the holidays.  The end of the semester withContinue reading “Melancholic Merry Christmas”

I’m having nightmares. Nightmares from which I wake up screaming, or wanting to scream, wrenching myself awake with a huge, conscious effort, like a struggle for life. Then I’m left feeling shaken, scarred, almost traumatized all day long.  What’s happening?  Something is stirring in the depths of my psyche… what is it?  These nightmares seemContinue reading “Nightmares”

Maybe the hardest part of all this for me is that I still have hope, I still have some fuel left, given by a mix of hope and anger. I am a fighter: the fighter in me is exhausted and sad and bitter, but he’s also still alive and angry and a little hopeful. I’mContinue reading “Broken system — hope & anger”

I need to write this. I need to because I’ve been bottling in too many intense and troubling emotions deep down inside me in the past few months. I need to write this also to keep track of how I feel.  How I feel is that I don’t want to live.  I am lonely andContinue reading “I don’t want to live”