Category Archives: Uncategorized

In one of my dreams last night I had a beard. Still in its infancy and very fair, a light blond beard, but clearly a beard. It’s not the first time that I’ve dreamt of suddenly having — or suddenly noticing that I have — a beard. And I’m always a little upset, or troubled,Continue reading “The boy in the mirror, the boy in my soul”

I’m at a work event at a National Lab for the annual meeting of the big scientific collaboration that funds my advisor’s grant that pays my research, i.e. pays my bills. I arrived Sunday evening, the meeting started yesterday morning, very early, and finished late yesterday evening, and again another long, tour-de-force day today.  I’veContinue reading “Toxic STEM”

I had to come all the way to the U.S.A., to the Western States, to California and then even more specifically to Colorado, in order to find myself. Like Hesse’s Siddhartha: he had to go through all those experiences, all those “lives”, all those roles or “versions of himself”, to eventually, finally find himself (&Continue reading “Traces”

This last weekend of October, from Saturday through last night, I went on a trad climbing trip to Utah with my closest climbing buddy from Colorado. A three-day-two-overnight road trip together. Our first road trip together and a huge step up in our friendship, in our relationship.  Last December we spent nearly 14 hours togetherContinue reading “Platonic polyamory”

Today’s an important day — actually, both yesterday and today, two days marking important recurrences for me.  One year ago today I got the letter confirming the courthouse approval of my legal name change. Although the courthouse issued the approval on October 21st, 2022, I didn’t get the letter until October 26th, 2022, so inContinue reading “Pieces of myself blooming again”

My closest climbing buddy (who’s also a badass mountaineer) lost one of his toes on Denali, in Alaska, a few years ago.  My European genderqueer ex-lover had to have a big chunk of their tongue cut off when they had cancer a little over a decade ago.  From these two people who are both AMABContinue reading “Amputations”

One of the songs my friend from Iowa & I sang together when she joined me for a couple days on my trip in August was the ballad “This land is your land” — she with her beautiful soprano voice (& strumming the guitar) and me in my now very deep alto (or maybe alreadyContinue reading “This life is my choice”

It’s a month away from my birthday, my 42nd birthday.  And my English grandmother, Grandmummy, died exactly a decade ago.  I can still remember that day: it was a weekend day (Saturday, I think). I was living in Barcelona with my ex-partner at the time and we went out for a long walk that afternoon;Continue reading “Thoughts & feelings on October 12th, 2023”

I just walked into Caribou Coffee in Minneapolis and saw a trans flag & a non-binary flag at the cashier register and nearly started to cry. I literally had to take a moment to catch my breath before making my order. I’m in Minneapolis for a one-day work event, the “Future Faculty Symposium” organized byContinue reading

Today’s eight months after my gender-affirming top-surgery, a.k.a. masculinizing mastectomy.  Today’s also four weeks after hitting rock bottom at the end of August, like sinking to the bottom of the ocean, and then starting to come back up.  The coming back up hasn’t been easy or rosy, and in many ways I still feel disheartenedContinue reading “The importance of dates & rituals for me”