I need to write this. I need to because I’ve been bottling in too many intense and troubling emotions deep down inside me in the past few months. I need to write this also to keep track of how I feel.
How I feel is that I don’t want to live.
I am lonely and sad. And afraid of the loneliness that keeps coming back into my life and engulfs me more and more darkly. This loneliness is partly my own doing, partly the “simple” but real fact that many of my closest friends have been busy and/or struggling with their own stuff und thus unavailable/out of touch, and partly the way our society functions. At this point, all three of these factors are beyond my control. Probably they’ve always all been beyond my control but only now do I realize this, or only now am I finally too tired and fed up to keep trying. I’m not going to change my own nature nor am I going to change how society works, and I definitely cannot blame my friends for having their own life and/or issues. So all I can do is keep living in this loneliness or decide that I’m checking out for good. That’s the only choice I’ll have left at some point, when the loneliness becomes too unbearable.
(And there are, truly, no other solutions. Neither meds nor my therapist can help — antidepressants are not the solution to loneliness or lack of close human contact, and if I told my therapist that I don’t want to live, I would simply get interned.)
The Little Prince and the Fox 