Category Archives: Uncategorized

I’m feeling tired and delicate and fragile.  I feel a desperate need to relax, to let go completely, almost melt, but unable to do so. I can never fully let go. Never ever.  I’m not even able to get restful sleep. I’ve been having recurring dreams with looming dangers and threats in them for severalContinue reading “Scary threats in my dreams”

My climbing buddy brought up this favorite phrase of his (again) on the weekend of my double anniversary celebration at the end of January. I think he meant it in an uplifting way when he said it as we stood around chatting after having gone out dancing at the queer club.  I’ve been thinking aContinue reading ““Life is made of moments””

I discovered the term, or acronym, “MSM” in the book “Erotically Queer” edited by Silva Neves & Dominic Davies.  “MSM” stands for “Men who have Sex with Men”.  It was coined with the intention of making it as comprehensive and inclusive — and as such, hopefully, less stigmatizing — as possible. It is meant toContinue reading “MSM”

One of my closest climbing buddies says that life is made of moments. That’s one of the first things on which we resonated and connected when we first met in the summer of 2022, the idea of there being some special, beautiful, meaningful moments in life, often brief and all temporary by nature but importantContinue reading “Drained”

In so much of my life I’ve gone through so many shifts and changes but the ones I’ve been going through in the past 3-4 years, and especially the past couple years here in Colorado since really embracing and jumping into my ”gender journey”, have been more intense, more mind-boggling, more stark, and more rapidContinue reading “This kaleidoscopic world around me”

It’s been a tough week, it started really roughly on Monday, and I’m struggling with difficult emotions now.  The aspect of shock from being told on Monday that my contract could not be renewed has subsided, leaving space for the other emotions: disappointment, sadness, worry, anger.  One of my close friends asked me on TuesdayContinue reading “Feeling let down — disappointment & anger”

[Spoiler alert: several scenes and topics of the movie “Mutt” described in some detail.] Last night, I watched the movie “Mutt”, recommended to me by one of my genderqueer transmasc friends.  My only qualm with this movie is that in two distinct moments it gives a clear but wrong message that getting on testosterone asContinue reading ““Mutt””

[Trigger warnings: unemployment, big changes, loss, grief.] I think I’m in shock.  I’m feeling similarly to when my father was hospitalized and when he died. And in some ways similarly to when my European genderqueer ex-lover left last summer.  Even when one is mentally or rationally prepared for the loss, the shock is always realContinue reading “Shock”

…and if there’s one thing, even only one thing, that I’ve learned in life, it’s that the body knows.  At least, my body knows.  My body knows.

[Trigger warnings: unemployment, loss, grief.] For the first time in my life since finishing grad school, I’m finding myself in the position of being (almost) unemployed but unwilling to move.  For the past fourteen years it’s often been the opposite: I’ve quit many jobs because I wanted to move, or to move on, or both. Continue reading “I don’t want to uproot myself again”