Category Archives: Uncategorized

I get it now why people call it “transitioning”.  Rationally, I’ve always understood it — I totally get the meaning, even the etymology, of the term.  But now I’m starting to get it at a deeper — emotional, physical — level.  I still feel that the term does not apply to me, does not describeContinue reading ““Transition” — “infiltration””

I’m feeling so much ache — ache in the heart — and worry.  I’m trying to stay focused on the practical issues, get all the phone calls and paperwork done for next week’s likely hand surgery and for one or two other medical procedures I’ll need to get done this summer.  The practical issues canContinue reading “Old patterns, new pains”

[Trigger warning: explicit description of body parts, including “sex characteristics”.] I don’t have a penis. So when I was born, I was assigned “female”, or declared a “girl”.  I have a vagina and uterus and functioning ovaries. Despite my GAHT, I still ovulate and menstruate. Depending on when my blood is drawn, my estrogen andContinue reading “This beautiful male body”

This weekend I’ll be incommunicado, off my cell phone.  Today marks four months since I did the burial for my European (gender)queer ex-lover. This weekend also is one year from the weekend that marked the start of our “love affair”.  So there’s a bittersweet taste to this day, to this weekend for me, and aContinue reading “Bittersweet — yet mostly sweet — anniversary”

[Trigger warnings: physical injury; loss] I’m in pieces. Apparently, the silly injury I got on my left thumb two & a half weeks ago is a torn UCL requiring surgery. This would entail six weeks of no “weight-bearing activities” with my left thumb/hand after surgery and effectively three months of no climbing (& no motorcycleContinue reading “Robbed of my golden years”

I keep finding, making my way into, spaces of non-toxic, safe, and nurturing masculinity.  I’ve been doing this my entire life but now I’m doing it in a more conscious way or, rather, with a different awareness because of the more explicit and liberated way I can express & present my gender identity.  This weekendContinue reading “Oases of safe & nurturing masculinity”

Today, a new love story has started, maybe the sweetest, and possibly also the trickiest, of my life.  Today, I have become a father: the father of the little boy within me.  I think that today I finally not only understood rationally but also truly came to touch and feel and integrate within me emotionallyContinue reading “I will father the little boy in me”

I’m still glowing from the joy and satisfaction of going skiing yesterday for the first time again in over eight years, and for the first time ever in America!  I went with one of my climbing buddies who also got back into skiing this winter after a decade’s break. And he had reassured me theContinue reading “Reclaiming another piece of myself: skiing”

[Trigger warning: death; loss; abandonment, rejection, neglect.] Yesterday my boy-chest turned 15 months. Something I was hoping to celebrate with the gay guy with whom I had my first date last week and was planning to see again last night. But I ended up having to attend to the wounded boy in me, instead ofContinue reading “The wounded boy”

There’s another extremely important thing I want to register & put on record today.  On Tuesday, I was a wreck. Partly, I was probably just feeling the exhaustion from the weekend’s efforts. But also, I had a conversation with my boss in which he confirmed that he cannot renew my contract past this July andContinue reading “The light side of loss: Liberation”