Category Archives: Uncategorized

This trip to Salt Lake City has been extremely healing.  I feel like I’ve found new pieces of myself — or maybe pieces of me that were already there have fallen into place more clearly, more coherently, with more confidence and peace.  I’m feeling more at peace, more centered.  Today I went back to theContinue reading “Bro-time, SLC Pride, & Gay Bar Round #3”

I discovered Cindy Lauper’s song “Girls just want to have fun” in my first year of college. I can still remember the sense of fun, liberating joy and almost ecstasy I felt then, listening to it & singing & dancing along to the song with one of my then-closest friends (who was a fellow PhysicsContinue reading ““Girls just want to have fun” & trans joy”

Last night, I went to another gay bar here in Salt Lake City with the (cis-hetero-normative) friends who are hosting me.  It was quite a different experience from last weekend.  Firstly, while I was still feeling extremely nervous, I did feel less uncomfortable and almost a little more confident or even comfortable in my ownContinue reading “Gay Bar: Round #2”

I want a boyfriend. A gay boyfriend, of course. A gay man who likes me and loves me and feels physically & sexually attracted to me as a guy, too.  This longing has been there my entire life. I’ve always felt I was one of the boys, or wanted to be one of the boys,Continue reading “I want a gay boyfriend”

I’m visiting one of my friends from the Ragnar race (& his wife) in Salt Lake City. These people are not queer but they are great allies, very open-minded and full of relatives & other friends who are queer. This couple is also going through a period of renewed self-discovery and self-definition, for reasons quiteContinue reading “Gay Bar: Round #1”

It feels like being a teenager all over again in the most confusing and disorienting way.  Arys was a beautiful child, angelic-looking with golden locks, big blue eyes, and regular features. But Arys didn’t care: “she” played with the boys (after all, “she” was a boy “herself”, wasn’t “she”?!), tumbling around after soccer balls, climbingContinue reading “Ugly duckling to swan? [Gay bar: round #1]”

There’s always something liberating for me about traveling. And also about letting go. They renew my sense of self-determination.  This past week was really hard, a deep emotional rut. I’m not saying the fear or sense of uncertainty aren’t there anymore. But I’m feeling the other side of the same coin: the side that hasContinue reading “Self-determination”

[Trigger warning: loss/death of parent, grief.] Yesterday I went for a long hike with one of my climbing buddies who’s also one of my closest friends. The hike itself was quite an adventure as we went high up in elevation and despite the recent hot-spell most of the mountain was still covered in snow soContinue reading “Father’s Day Hike & Lost Boys”

… And the key fear or worry underlying my almost constant sense of not being enough is due to the sense — or worry or fear — of being admired rather than loved.  With my close platonic friends I know I am loved: I know they love me despite all my many shortcomings and defectsContinue reading “Admired vs. Loved”

It just hit me: the realization of how much I live in constant fear, or worry, of not being enough.  When I injured my thumb and found out I couldn’t climb for at least three months after surgery, my first thought was, “Will my climbing buddies forget me? Will I lose their friendship?”. Then, whenContinue reading “Afraid of not being enough”