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You saw what I am saying, that is Why this is playing on your mind And you know, there’s nothing I’d rather say to you I’m just a little bit surprised We’ve come so far, together and for the better It’s like our wetter weather’s dry It stares me in the face, it taps you on the shoulder They’ll hear us singing, you andContinue reading ““So Long!””

To little boy Arys from daddy: If eyes could talk then yours would sing It’s true you are the most beautiful thing You’re mild like a Sunday morning Your smile as bright as daybreak dawning And nothing’s ever made more sense And I will, promise to kill All the monsters in your dreams and inContinue reading ““The monsters will be dead””

I think what I miss the most from last year’s summer love story with my queer European “ex” is how I felt. How I felt in that precise moment of my life and how I felt with them in particular.  As deep and special as it was, that love story was circumstantial.  Spring and summerContinue reading “Gay boy summer loving”

I’m feeling tired and sad and empty, as if I had been gutted from the inside, hollowed out like a log.  I feel like a hollow log.  A hollow log drifting aimlessly and out of control, carried along by the waters of a cold, cold river. In my dream last night, I was sailing toContinue reading “The hollow log and the fowl”

One of the things I like the most about Colorado is that it has four definite seasons — spring, summer, autumn, and winter, clearly marked and distinguishable, and similar to the places where I grew up in Europe as a child and young adult. My mind & soul enjoy the change of seasons, my bodyContinue reading “Sad and scared of this summer”

[Trigger warnings: loss, grief; cancer.] How can grief keep turning around and hit us like a truck over and over again?  I thought I’d be able to sleep it off last night or run it off this morning. But no, it’s still here, tearing at my heart and causing tears to flow profusely, sobbing even. Continue reading

My left hand is aching a little bit after Tuesday’s surgery on my torn UCL. But what is really aching now is my heart.  My heart aches so bad in this moment that I feel like it might almost crack open.  It’s been aching a bit, intermittently, for the past two weeks, with the anniversary/commemorationContinue reading “Ache”

[Spoiler alert: details about the book “The house in the cerulean sea” by TJ Klune] I’m sure Arthur Parnassus is the “young phoenix” mentioned about a third through the book. And he likes, maybe even loves, Lines Baker just as he is. Likes him, maybe even loves him, for all that he is: Arthur canContinue reading ““The house in the cerulean sea””

I get it now why people call it “transitioning”.  Rationally, I’ve always understood it — I totally get the meaning, even the etymology, of the term.  But now I’m starting to get it at a deeper — emotional, physical — level.  I still feel that the term does not apply to me, does not describeContinue reading ““Transition” — “infiltration””

I’m feeling so much ache — ache in the heart — and worry.  I’m trying to stay focused on the practical issues, get all the phone calls and paperwork done for next week’s likely hand surgery and for one or two other medical procedures I’ll need to get done this summer.  The practical issues canContinue reading “Old patterns, new pains”