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One of my closest climbing buddies says that life is made of moments. That’s one of the first things on which we resonated and connected when we first met in the summer of 2022, the idea of there being some special, beautiful, meaningful moments in life, often brief and all temporary by nature but importantContinue reading “Drained”

In so much of my life I’ve gone through so many shifts and changes but the ones I’ve been going through in the past 3-4 years, and especially the past couple years here in Colorado since really embracing and jumping into my ”gender journey”, have been more intense, more mind-boggling, more stark, and more rapidContinue reading “This kaleidoscopic world around me”

It’s been a tough week, it started really roughly on Monday, and I’m struggling with difficult emotions now.  The aspect of shock from being told on Monday that my contract could not be renewed has subsided, leaving space for the other emotions: disappointment, sadness, worry, anger.  One of my close friends asked me on TuesdayContinue reading “Feeling let down — disappointment & anger”

[Spoiler alert: several scenes and topics of the movie “Mutt” described in some detail.] Last night, I watched the movie “Mutt”, recommended to me by one of my genderqueer transmasc friends.  My only qualm with this movie is that in two distinct moments it gives a clear but wrong message that getting on testosterone asContinue reading ““Mutt””

[Trigger warnings: unemployment, big changes, loss, grief.] I think I’m in shock.  I’m feeling similarly to when my father was hospitalized and when he died. And in some ways similarly to when my European genderqueer ex-lover left last summer.  Even when one is mentally or rationally prepared for the loss, the shock is always realContinue reading “Shock”

…and if there’s one thing, even only one thing, that I’ve learned in life, it’s that the body knows.  At least, my body knows.  My body knows.

[Trigger warnings: unemployment, loss, grief.] For the first time in my life since finishing grad school, I’m finding myself in the position of being (almost) unemployed but unwilling to move.  For the past fourteen years it’s often been the opposite: I’ve quit many jobs because I wanted to move, or to move on, or both. Continue reading “I don’t want to uproot myself again”

I’m still reeling from the flood of emotions from this ice-climbing trip.  I’m feeling like a bucket of water full to the brim, so full of different emotions that I cannot take one single more drop in. I’m going to overflow, I’m going to explode.  What got activated on my group ice-climbing trip this pastContinue reading “Being “one of the guys””

Song by Grace Petrie with excellent lyrics, “Black Tie”: “  Well, it’s a jungle out there The year 2018, I didn’t think We’d still be sorting babies into blue and pink And all our progress Well, I wonder what it means That the only girls’ clothes that work for me Turn out to be boyfriendContinue reading ““Black tie””

For now, within the group of people on this ice-climbing trip I’ve been treated & referred to as “one of the guys”, with explicit references made to me as a “guy” and lumped into the “men” when a comment was made about bathrooms at the crag.  In many ways, I am “one of the guys”Continue reading “Am I “one of the guys”?”