Maybe there are some improvements for how I’m feeling in the gay men’s chorus. Once again yesterday I was a nervous wreck before rehearsal and feeling anxious and isolated during rehearsal to the point where it was a huge effort to even sing and I escaped to hide in my car during the halfway-break. ThereContinue reading “Baby steps forward?”
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“Inkpot Gods”
Per Papá & für A***: “ Oh, what? These, these aren’t tears It’s just the rain that wasn’t brave enough to fall And what they hear isn’t laughter, after all It’s just your voice learning for once to stand up tall And when the rain came down I made a vow out to the darkContinue reading ““Inkpot Gods””
Craving platonic human touch
I miss human touch. But I’m also terrified of it. I have similar contradictory feelings when it comes to the desire for connection with & interest from gay men. I think both of these contradictory desires of mine boil down to the same thing: I crave platonic human touch. I not only want human touch,Continue reading “Craving platonic human touch”
My internalized transphobia
I had another awful afternoon & evening at the gay men’s chorus’ rehearsal. Gone was all the euphoric gender-bending of the past few days; back was the internalized transphobia in all its visciousness. Since the second week I have been going to rehearsals without wearing my two “statement wristbands” (the nonbinary-flag colors & trans-flag colors)Continue reading “My internalized transphobia”
Love vs. Romance
There’s a quote in a book on asexuality (by Caterina Appia) that I can relate to very deeply, a quote by Michela Murgia about what could be considered aromanticism. While Michela Murgia didn’t openly identify as an aro person, so neither the author of the book nor I want to describe her as aromantic, IContinue reading “Love vs. Romance”
My way of deconstructing gender
Yesterday, I had a difficult but necessary and helpful conversation with one of my dearest friends here who is a nonbinary AFAB person. Being nonbinary AFAB people is one of the things that drew us close two years ago (although I was already openly transmasculine then, too) and among other things yesterday they mentioned how myContinue reading “My way of deconstructing gender”
Close but not too close and often not close enough
Once again the topic of male closeness. Yesterday, I finally climbed again with my first climbing partner from Colorado. We met almost two & a half years ago, through my Italian climbing buddy. I’m not sure what to make of J. or of our relationship. The first time we met, we were the two onlyContinue reading “Close but not too close and often not close enough”
Joy in male closeness
The rehearsals with the gay men’s chorus keep getting better and are starting to become an actual source of joy for me. I still feel extremely anxious for hours before the rehearsal and very shy when I’m there, and I still escape to be outside by myself during our 10-minute break halfway through practice. ButContinue reading “Joy in male closeness”
Steps in the grief cycle
[Trigger warnings: grief, loss; compulsory-sexuality mentality.] The guy on my left during the second part of last week’s rehearsal with the gay men’s chorus had a tattoo on his inner left forearm that read: “Acceptance is the answer”. I wonder if I’ll ever get there. I’m definitely still in the stormy and painful part ofContinue reading “Steps in the grief cycle”
The ‘aro’ arrow
[Note: the author is claiming that the ‘aro label’ feels like a death sentence or lack or incapacity for themself, and not that aromantic people are lacking or in any way deficient!] It’s been a week of difficult emotions. So difficult, in fact, that I haven’t even been able to write. Last Sunday was aContinue reading “The ‘aro’ arrow”
The Little Prince and the Fox 