The next-to-last night of my camping trip in South Dakota at the end of August was beautifully clear. I was going for an evening walk in the meadow that occupied a big portion of the campground and was, at the end of the season, completely empty. It was dusk, the sky darkening gradually over the darker shadows of the trees that rimmed the clearing surrounded by gentle hills. Suddenly, the moon — a waning moon three or four days past full — rose bright above the low hills and trees. And just as suddenly I was reminded of the mug my European queer ex-lover had painted for me with the images of trees in the woods, shades of blues and greens typical of dusk, and a bright full moon.
I had forgotten about that mug — apparently, my ritual of burying all the objects that my European queer ex-lover had given me before they left in August 2023, that ritual that had allowed me to put up with one of the most painful separations & losses of my life, had worked: it had allowed me to forget, thus allowing me to survive the pain.
For almost two years, I forgot.
But this summer brought me healing, softening and opening up my heart again. As my heart opened, so did the windows in my soul, allowing me glimpses at first, and then clear views of what I had buried — figuratively as well as literally. As I saw that bright South Dakotan moon rise above the tree-topped hills, as I suddenly remembered that mug, my breath caught for a moment. I stopped walking and stood in the meadow, looking up at the darkening sky, at the bright moon. And I spoke out loud — to the stars filling the sky, apparently, but in reality to my European queer ex-lover. For the first time in almost two years, I spoke to them with no anger, with no pain, acknowledging the simple, wrenching truth that I simply hadn’t been ready two years ago but also that I was ready now — or would be ready, if given the chance. I told them how much I loved them, still love them. That was all my heart could feel: love and acceptance; no more pain, no more anger, no more denial. I finally stopped ignoring how much I still love them, stopped denying that they were — are — my soulmate, stopped ignoring the fact that I’m often drawn to people, strangers, who physically remind me of them. Having admitted all that to myself and having talked to them through that starry sky and bright moon, I made peace with my continuing love for them and let my heart be open, at last.
Admitting my continuing love for them, allowing myself to still love them, admitting the fact that they were and still are my soulmate brought me a peace I didn’t think would be possible. I’ve stopped rationalizing that they live and are building their future in Europe while I’m here in Colorado to stay and if I ever move from here, it will be to go to Alaska, ever further from their location & life plans. I’ve stopped telling myself that there’s no sense in loving someone who lives an ocean and two half-continents away from me. I’ve stopped trying to rationalize or explain that the one person I would want as my life partner is, technically, geographically, unavailable to me — I’ve stopped trying to put that into some psychological framework to prove how incapable I am of close intimacy. I don’t think that psychological interpretation or rationalization would be true now. And whether it’s true or not, it doesn’t matter at this point. It’s just as true, or even more true, that I love this person. Two years later and with all the life experiences and professional experiences and adventures and trips and friendships and hook-ups, I still love this person just the same. I still consider the intimacy we had, the emotional connection, unique and irreplaceable.
That person is my soulmate. Period. If we didn’t live on two different continents, I would plan my life with them.
Freeing myself from the denial of these truths has freed my heart, allowing me to love and thus to feel a joy and relief and soft opening that are beautifully peaceful. I can feel it in my chest, my heart softening and opening up — I’m free to love (again) and that feels truly heart-warming.
The Little Prince and the Fox 