[Trigger warnings: death, loss, grief; depression.] I spend a lot of time in my head: rumination, dreams, memories. The present is bleak, the future a black hole with nothing to look forward to. Five years ago, with the COVID pandemic, something broke for me. Something broke me — the long illness, the complete isolation, theContinue reading “Something died within me: nothing to look forward to”
Tag Archives: mental-health
What am I doing here?
What am I doing here, on this Earth? It’s not even noon, I’ve gone out for my run, showered, and had a hearty brunch (all by myself) and now the best part of my day is over. I’ve got nothing left to do. Nothing that feels meaningful, at least. Is that because I’ve been unemployedContinue reading “What am I doing here?”
Depression — The horrific state of the world
I’m gong through a bout of depression. It’s circumstantial but it’s real. The horrific bill that was passed in the House last week was probably the last straw, maybe because it’s one of the most all-encompassing measures of disaster and discrimination and abomination, such a widespread, all-encompassing measure of hatred and evil. I’m worried. I’mContinue reading “Depression — The horrific state of the world”
Wanderlust
I just got home from a week’s trip and can’t wait to leave again. My autistic burnout is making it really hard to travel at the moment, especially when it involves driving (like this long trip, driving ~400 miles each way across several mountainous areas), but my love of traveling is deep, an essential part ofContinue reading “Wanderlust”
“Routines in the night”
“ Walk the layout, routines in the night Some doors have “stay out” spray painted in white While all the world’s asleep, I walk around instead Through the memories, down the halls of my head Walk the layout, routines in the night Some doors have “stay out” spray painted in white While all the world’sContinue reading ““Routines in the night””
Dark Nights — Unbearable Loneliness
I remember feeling this way back in California. The dark, dark nights when all the darkest thoughts, the most unbearable loneliness, the deepest and most wrenching craving for comforting human touch that I couldn’t have kept me awake for hours or haunted my restless dreams. I’m sure I had some moments like that here inContinue reading “Dark Nights — Unbearable Loneliness”
Joy in male closeness
The rehearsals with the gay men’s chorus keep getting better and are starting to become an actual source of joy for me. I still feel extremely anxious for hours before the rehearsal and very shy when I’m there, and I still escape to be outside by myself during our 10-minute break halfway through practice. ButContinue reading “Joy in male closeness”
Differences and commonalities — some reflections
Why did I want to join this gay men’s chorus? Why do I still want to try and be part of it? Because I like to sing. Because, from the musical viewpoint of how they sound, I prefer choirs that are either solely of high voices or solely of low voices. Because I want toContinue reading “Differences and commonalities — some reflections”
The Little Prince and the Fox 