The Little Prince and the Fox

The intimate, sexual experiences I’ve recently had with my two genderqueer/non-binary/trans friends have brought me some gender affirmation that I hardly thought possible, and have thus opened up the door to the opportunity for deeper healing and broader exploration.

However, I need to remind myself that these experiences are like “time bubbles”, due to pop, confined in space & time, and as such something I need to not get attached to. 

They belong to special, magical circumstances that I had over the past month or so but which will not continue — “zeitlich begrenzt”, as one of my two friends, with whom I communicate in their native German, put it. Limited for logistical/geographical reasons. 

With both of these friends there had already been some deep connections last year. And with both of them the recent physical & sexual intimacy was quite a surprise.

With one of these two friends I had had sexual & romantic intimacy last year already: it didn’t work out then, and we were both heart-broken. We were fortunately able to maintain our (platonic) friendship and, unexpectedly to us both, we rediscovered physical intimacy again while I was visiting in California. This time around, though, having learned the lesson, we were explicit in our intentions of not expecting a ”normal relationship”, knowing clearly beforehand that I’m polyamorous and committed to trying to stay in Colorado, at least for a while, whereas they will at some point seek out coparenting and most likely stay in California (or move to Asia or South America). So that’s a time bubble right there, clear enough.

With the other friend it is also a very clear and well-defined time bubble — in fact, they are the one who described it as “zeitlich begrenzt”. They are a visiting researcher, here in Colorado just for a few months, like last spring/summer, and actually heading back to Europe again soon, where their whole life and life-plans and other romantic/sexual partners belong. Even in this case, I/we knew it from the start, and I decided very consciously to go into it anyway, and I don’t regret it.

For now I’m going to not think about the final Goodbye, which maybe happened yesterday already or will be in a week or a few weeks. 

But while I live in this moment, and enjoy all its lovely, sweet, healing beauty — as I did for that weekend visiting my other friend in California — remembering that this is a beautiful self-contained time bubble ready to pop is important for me to stay grounded.

I’ve been wanting to write this post, or about these topics & feelings, for several weeks but I wasn’t ready until now — too much going on, maybe still too much to process. Now that these recents events have become self-contained time bubbles in a more clear way, or maybe more deeply integrated, I can write about them. 

In the past month I have experienced some beautiful, lovely intimacy at a physical and sexual level with two friends who are also genderqueer/non-binary/trans. And sleeping — using “sleeping” in all the senses that the English languages has — with them (both of them, both “they”), I have discovered other ways, new ways, lovely ways of exploring gender. 

Gender and sexual orientation are two different things, two distinct aspects of who we are and what we like — and both aspects that can change over time. These two aspects are, however, connected to each other — and maybe here I’m stating the obvious — I definitely know I’m not the first person to say this, but I have been realizing this more and more clearly since my own gender journey has become more clear & self-determined. 

The depth of intimacy and sense of liberation coming from having sex with other genderqueer/non-binary/trans persons is incredible and almost impossible to state, or explain, in words. But I’ll try to do so here because these recent experiences have been so important and wonderful and healing for me. 

When I started considering medical steps in my gender journey, I was almost immediately warned that my “dating pool would shrink” and I was honestly scared or, at least, concerned that my non-binary body would be “less likable”. I am now realizing, in practice, in real-life experiences, how much of that stems from cis-normative standards, toxic prejudices and even internalized transphobia. On my part, for instance, I had a lot of fear around the aspect of “body parts”, as in, “who will like me with no breasts and a masculine upper-body but female genitals?”

These two genderqueer/non-binary/trans friends with whom I have recently, and in separate circumstances, had sex were assigned a different sex at birth than myself and have had different gender journeys from my own as well as from each other, so we span a wide spectrum both physically and emotionally/psychologically around gender while also having a lot of deep and important overlap. 

My intimate, sexual experiences with these two friends have really shown me how relative the aspect of “body parts” truly is. They like me — and I like them — despite our gender-nonconforming bodies and souls, and actually because of our gender-nonconforming bodies and souls. We find our own and each other’s bodies beautiful the way they are, with “mixed body parts”, possibly still shifting along the gender-spectrum. And what is probably even more important, even lovelier, in the physical & sexual intimacy with each other we find new, beautiful ways of relating to our own bodies as well as to each other’s, exploring ways that go beyond the standard, and often toxic, cis-/hetero-normatives. 

And it goes beyond the physical level. The intimate connection, and the “rewriting of the rules”, is also at a deeper level of gender roles. Despite having often had some good, pleasurable sex in my life, I have never before felt so well, so whole, in sexual intimacy as with these two persons. With these two friends the gender roles, and with them all the expectations and/or performing which are so hard to escape, vanish: with them, I am male and female and everything in between and beyond — and I can feel it’s the same for them — and it’s all so fluid, so spontaneously dynamic, so easy, so whole. 

With both of these friends there’s a gender-fluidity or outright gender-bending when we go out together — for instance, with the one AMAB friend who is more trans-fem, we went out for dinner together while I was visiting in California, they dressed in a beautiful girly dress and I in a “poshy” boy outfit. Being able to go out with someone with whom there is mutual sexual attraction, with them performing in a feminine way and myself in a masculine way, and then being able to bring this “into bed”, is just wonderful for me. But it’s even more wonderful that it doesn’t just stop there: it’s not only a “gender-role swap”, it’s much more than that. We’re both playing, we’re both performing fluidly, back and forth and in between and beyond genders: with ourselves, with each other, on the street, in bed, while holding each other or dancing or doing whatever else we might do together. 

I love to go climbing and hang out with my cis-male climbing buddies also because they treat me like one of them, like one of the boys, and that’s so affirming for me. Many of my other friendships, regardless of my friends’ genders, are also incredibly validating to me, as they more and more reflect back to me the boy they see and that I feel in me. 

These intimate experiences with my two genderqueer/non-binary/trans friends have brought this affirmation to another level, maybe a level that I didn’t think possible, and have thus opened up the door to the opportunity for deeper healing and broader exploration — exploring gender, sexual orientation, and who knows what more…!

I don’t know how much of this is still the effect of the psychedelic therapy sessions I did with ketamine three weeks ago, but anyway I am still feeling extremely grounded and centered and living in the present like I have hardly ever before. 

I have been feeling extremely, wonderfully loved: loved in a supportive, safe, encouraging, affirming way that does not stifle me, on the contrary, it helps to ground me and from there to grow and move forward. 

I am feeling open and accepting and overall centered and balanced even in the face of strong emotions. 

And I have been, and am, feeling extremely present in the moment, here & now — wherever that “here & now” is — usually my chosen life in Colorado; last week my visit for work and with friends in California; and this week, a scientific conference in Washington. Enjoying every moment, every experience, fully, deeply, thoroughly, and then letting it go when its time is done.

Retaining the memories & feelings that are healthy for me, while letting go of the rest as water under the bridge.  

Traveling, at an airport again. This used to be one of the most upsetting locations/situations for me with respect to mis-gendering and gender dysphoria (apart from other issues). But not this morning: in the security line, I was directed by the employee who said to me, “This way, sir”! 

I still do hate the use of “sir” and “ma’am” in general when addressing people — I really do believe the English language should find another way of addressing people, and strangers. 

Overall in life, and especially professionally & in the STEM fields, I do not want to “pass” for a cis-man; in such superficial and general instances such as an airport or more broadly brief interactions with strangers in the service industry and/or in public spaces, though, being addressed as a man, or as “sir”, feels infinitely more comfortable and appropriate to me than being addressed as “ma’am”. 

And I also feel much more confident and safer walking such spaces “as a man”.

“ 

Today I have grown taller from walking with the trees. 

“

[Karle Wilson Baker]

This weekend, Arys grew taller from standing his ground. 

They had felt extremely nervous and anxious and self-conscious about using the men’s changing room at the climbing gym where they used to go regularly when they were living in California and where they returned this past Saturday for a visit. Particularly nervous also because this place doesn’t feel “homely” to them anymore the way it used to or the way the ones in Colorado now do, and also partly because there was some fear of running into old acquaintances with whom it might feel mutually uncomfortable to meet in the men’s room.  

And, in fact, the unpleasant incident that happened before Arys’s workout around them using the men’s changing room was with “someone they used to know” there… 

But despite that uncomfortable situation, despite their nervousness and anxiety, Arys stood his ground and stayed: Arys used that space where they felt weird and self-conscious because deep inside him Arys knew (also thanks to friends’ encouraging words) that he belonged, Arys knew that he had all the right to be there. Arys stayed then, despite the unpleasant incident before their workout, and they went back in there and used the men’s changing room more extensively, at their leisure, without hiding their scars, again after their workout. 

Arys stood his ground, growing even physically, holding his head up straighter and his shoulders broader the second time around in the men’s changing room at the gym. And they’re doing the same, more and more, when they use the men’s bathrooms in public spaces, or even just walking down the street. Meeting people’s gaze, not in a challenging way, but with confidence and kindness, with a warm and steady strength. Embodying this true self that is coming out, coming into itself, into himself. 

Embodying the Peacock of the tarot cards’ description: flamboyantly handsome from a beauty that comes from within; confident and kind, and strong.

I found this sticker, after my workout, on the bench under/among my belongings in the men’s changing room at the climbing gym where I used to go regularly when I was living in California and where I returned this past Saturday for a visit. 

I’m not sure if someone dropped it or forgot it there, or someone maybe saw/noticed me and left it on purpose as a “welcome” message. It felt serendipitous to me, anyway, and since no one else was around to claim it when I left (& there were plenty more at the front desk), I took it with me as a “good omen” from the Universe.

And I will keep it, as a kind and welcoming, albeit silent, “you belong here” message, especially after the unpleasant/uncomfortable, and definitely not welcoming, incident around my using the men’s changing room before my workout. 

Since starting this trip on Sunday, I haven’t once been called “ma’am” — not even at the airport! And actually, in the past three days, I’ve been referred to, or addressed, as a (young) man three times, once a day — the latest episode being this afternoon on the street with my photographer friend and being taken for their boyfriend. 

Moreover, since my top-surgery, there have been many small incidents, small gestures, often lasting only the blink of an eye and wordless but still very clear, like the curt nods of recognition/camaraderie I’ve gotten several times when passing an unknown man at a door or gate or passageway in the street or on public transit, for instance.

The three episodes from the past three days felt really euphoric for me and in general these incidents feel extremely gender-affirming. However, they’re also giving me food for thought. 

The world around me is starting not only to perceive me like a (young) man but also to react to, or interact with, me as a man. Which means that, in turn, I (will) “walk the world” in a different way. And my own actions will be perceived by the world, by people around me, in a different way. 

In many ways, I feel safer walking the world being read as a male. But I still lack a lot of confidence and I am aware of being potentially at risk — a target — if perceived as a gay boy or a trans-man, rather than a straight cis-man. 

I also realize that my words or actions towards other people might be interpreted or perceived very differently now that I am perceived more male. For instance, on public transit this afternoon, I found my gaze lingering a little on a good-looking guy sitting a few seats away. I didn’t mean to stare, I was immersed in my own thoughts & listening to music, but my gaze had lingered on him and suddenly he noticed it or felt it: and he looked away almost uncomfortably. Did he think I was a gay guy looking at him? 

On that same train I also noticed a beautiful young girl standing in the aisle and I found myself making a special effort not to look in her direction in case people around me, or she herself, thought I was some “creepy guy” staring at her. 

I might be hypersensitive, or hyperaware, or simply still lacking confidence. But I do believe that some things will shift for me as I am perceived as more male. And since I refuse to yield to, or feed into, the binary system and toxic privileges, maybe my hyperawareness is good…  

On the other hand, how much of this hypersensitivity of mine is actually stemming from social conditioning and/or ingrained prejudices that I’ve absorbed?

I just had another moment of wonderful gender euphoria: I was walking down the street and someone outside a store addressed me, “How are you doing today, sir?”

Granted, my face was mostly covered, but apparently my clothes and haircut and clearly flat chest were sufficient to point in the right “gender direction”…!

Earlier today I had one of the loveliest moments of joy coming from gender euphoria. 

I was in a beautiful community garden getting ready for my first post-op photoshoot with one of my closest friends who’s an artist and while I was putting sunscreen on my scars, standing around in my masculine climbing pants and with my naked torso, a group of three people stopped to chat with us (mainly with my photographer friend) about the plants. And suddenly the elderly woman in the group referred to me as “he”, speaking to my friend and saying “He’s very handsome. He reminds me of one of my brothers”. And then proceeded to show us a picture of her brother when he was much younger. 

I can hardly put into words the gender euphoria that I felt… I could hardly believe my ears and could hardly get myself to speak, almost for fear of breaking what to me felt like a magic spell…

My friend & I both got goosebumps from the incident — and I’m so glad my friend was there with me to witness it and to share in my happiness, my sheer joy from feeling so thoroughly seen as myself! 

Two weeks after my KAPT session I am still feeling the beneficial effects of those psychedelic therapeutic journeys, with one of the longest-lasting sensations, still intensely alive & profoundly true within me even now, being a sense of softening and opening up while also feelings stronger, more solid, more grounded. 

During my first ketamine journey two weeks ago, one of the psychedelic experiences/sensations I had were shapes and colors that I know meant “war”. At a certain point and for a while, I saw & felt abstract shapes & colors that I knew meant war. But I also knew, almost immediately, that it was NOT MY WAR. Maybe it was my parents’ war, maybe my grandparents’ war (maybe even actual World War II), or maybe it was an archetypical war stemming from collective consciousness. But anyhow, it was not my war. And I knew that, I knew it in that profound, not-rational, deeper than rational way, with that “ancient knowledge” even while I was tripping, which is probably the reason why I wasn’t upset by those shapes, colors, and feelings or sensations even during my ketamine journey. 

Not my war. 

And so, if it’s not my war, then I can lay down my weapons and armor, at least on that front. 

Is that why I feel so much softening since my KAPT sessions? 

I’ve been feeling a profound softening and opening up — I feel myself softer and yet stronger, more solid, more grounded, more present here & now, more alive in a calm & tranquil and yet confident & eager way. More open. Af is my strength and solidity came from inside, rippling outwards, rather than from an outside armor I was wearing. 

There’s an openness with a strong, calm, confident solidity; an openness and strength that are more accepting of my vulnerabilities, without being scared of them; an openness without separateness but with clear, healthy, kind boundaries. 

My KAPT guide put it as, “There’s no YES without a NO”. 

For me now, the “YES” is the openness, the renewed aliveness in the present moment, enjoying & accepting everything here & now, actively living in the (eternally) present moment. 

The “NO” — the healthy, confident, and even kind “NO” — is the setting of strong, healthy, kind boundaries; the recognition of what is mine — my responsibility, my burden, my “war” — vs. what is not; the recognition of what belongs here & now vs. what does not (anymore). 

And this “NO”, these multiple “NO”’s are healthy and kind in the sense that there’s no regret, no bitterness, no blame or shame, no anger or pain (anymore). 

It’s a “NO” of kindly but firmly turning away and letting go, like a setting down of something for good, with calm conviction. 

And with a similar calm conviction I believe that having said those “NO”’s is allowing me to say so many more healthy, open “YES”’s here & now, in my present moment. And this feels so good, in a wonderfully profound and liberating way!