The Little Prince and the Fox

“ 

Fuck

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go

So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why

It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It’s something unpredictable

But in the end, it’s right

I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time

Tattoos of memories, and dead skin on trial

For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while

It’s something unpredictable

But in the end, it’s right

I hope you had the time of your life

It’s something unpredictable

But in the end, it’s right

I hope you had the time of your life

It’s something unpredictable

But in the end, it’s right

I hope you had the time of your life 

“

[“Good Riddance (Time of your life)” by Green Day]

In my morning melancholy today I had this song playing in my mind — a song that I connect mostly to my high school years (& heartbreaks), that I heard played at the last Pride event to which I went on Friday and that I sang with my Italian climbing buddy a couple months ago, with him strumming on the guitar and singing in a higher pitch than myself, before he returned to Europe.

A song connected to many Goodbyes — or “Good Riddances” — for me… 

A song that echoes and resonates with me deeply in this moment.

One year ago I was officially starting my second post-doc, which effectively felt like the begining of a second chance (at a career in academia) for me. 

Today marks the first weekend in five weeks that I’m spending without being in the company of, and without sleeping with, a sexually/romantic partner. In a sense, it’s going back to my “normal” status quo of the past six or seven years. But in another sense, looking at it just in the present moment, I could also see it as another beginning.

[By definition, one could see every ending as a new beginning…?] 

The past five weeks, and five weekends, have been wonderful — and maybe even more so because the events and feelings and emotions with both of the friends with whom I had sexual/romantic intimacy were an unexpected surprise. Those weeks, and those weekends, have been lovely, and the pain now is real and intense. And probably even more so real and intense because the painful separation(s) came in the middle of the initial phase of rapture in the relationship(s), in the midst of the “new relationship energy”, making the separation(s) abrupt and thus more painful. 

And yet, there’s a part of me that feels lighter, more free and aligned again, from having that rapture removed. As much as I loved it and reveled in it, it was also distracting. It fit perfectly into the boisterous bloom of springtime and Pride month, and I’d do it all over again — I’d love to have it again. But just as its beginning & unfolding were serendipitous in space & time, maybe also its ending now is right timing for me, as it allows me to recenter for my summertime. 

I would have loved to have another month of rapturous weekends with my special genderqueer European friend here and the circumstances causing that to end earlier than (initially) expected were, and are, truly painful to me. But what would it have brought me, really, another month of such weekends with them? Left me a wreck at the end of my summer, before starting the fall semester in which I also have to teach without really having time to recenter myself in the ways that I know how to realign with myself, like traveling in the summer, having my summertime. 

So yes, it’s painful, it’s been painful all week, it’s still going to be painful for a while, and I still believe we could have handled it better. But there’s also an aspect of liberation, of relief in a way, a sense of “new beginning”.

Another new beginning. And the question: how many times will I have to do this?

And another question, probably more pressing (& more useful) for me right now: what do I want to do with my summertime?

I think it might be good for me to reread the (excellent) book “Polysecure” by Jessica Fern.  

In this and other books about consensual nonmonogamy, two main reasons for people to practice consensual nonmonogamy are outlined, namely: being nonmonogamous as a lifestyle (e.g. for philosophical, social, political, or practical reasons) or being nonmonogamous as an orientation (i.e. one’s deeper identity very much like being straight or gay or bisexual). 

I am, and have always been, nonmonogamous as an orientation. I also agree with, and deeply feel aligned with, being nonmonogamous as a lifestyle for many reasons, but that’s an additional layer to my core identity with respect to sexually/romantically intimate relationships. Sort of like “nurture on top of nature” for me. I have been able to embrace my polyamorous identity only recently, though, since moving to California in 2016, because for my entire life before then I was brainwashed with toxic (cis/hetero) mononormativity that led me to think that something was wrong with me and I needed to “be fixed”. Anyway, I’m “happily polyamorous” now, in the sense that I feel whole in this way as well, at last. 

However, while I truly am polyamorous at my core and have sincerely experienced that beautiful emotion that is called “compersion” for my partners with respect to their other partners, feeling no jealousy at all, I’m realizing that I still have tons to learn. I’m still messing up badly. I’m messing up in communication and the basic reason this is happening is because I still have a fundamental belief within me of not being wholly lovable, of not being fully worthy of love. And so I just avoid the conversations in which one would clarify the dynamics of the whole relationship involving everyone, all partners, and where I stand within the picture. I fundamentally believe that I’m just “an extra”, just a “temporary fling” or just a “friend with benefits”, and so I put myself in that position, I play that role, a sort of temporarily supportive role, standing on the sidelines, and walking away when things could get too painful or complicated.

… Hmmm… Lots of food for thought here…

In all fairness, though, I need to add that I know I’m not alone — and this is something that not only my head knows — my heart also feels it. 

Friends are showering me with love and it’s sinking in, I’m soaking it in and it does truly help. 

I know I’m strong, but it’s the willingness to open up and be vulnerable that is actually bringing me all this love now. Having told my friends in advance that this moment, and these difficult emotions, were in store for me this week and the following; opening up and talking about my pain here, in these pages; not hiding my tears from my housemates. The responses are coming in, warm, supportive, loving. As I turn on my cell phone and/or check my email, there they are: messages from my friends asking how I’m doing, checking in on me, sending their love, offering support and in-person company; local friends coming over to visit me and/or telling me their available times to hang out in person in the next days; my housemates, who are now also one of my most important chosen families, including me in their family dinner; another one of my adoptive families here inviting me over for the 4th of July celebration.

They’re here, my friends, my chosen families: I know it, I can feel it deep in my heart, and my gratitude & love go out to them all.

The morning and evenings are the worst moments. And maybe the mornings even worse than the evenings because at night at least I can let go, indulge my pain, allow myself to feel it, cry even, unwind, lean into the loving/supportive company of friends, and eventually go to sleep. But in the mornings, I wake up feeling the loneliness and pain all over — the past couple of mornings I’ve felt like it’s been the pain actually waking me up. And with the pain, the sadness, the loneliness, there’s an anxiety that I know well from the past: a type of anxiety I feel from a sense of abandonment. Whether it’s “real” or “only perceived”, it’s there, real for me: anxiety from a sense of having been abandoned. Which I know rationally is not what is really happening in this particular situation with my special genderqueer European friend. But while the head knows, the hearts feels, and this sense of loss and sadness and loneliness is very real and concrete for me now. 

And again, all I can do is get myself through my day focusing on what I can get done, on what I can achieve, on what is within my reach: work and exercise. Until another evening in which I may let myself cry, and another morning leading to another day of work and exercise and socialization, until the pain will eventually subside…

“Let everything happen to you: 

beauty and terror. 

Just keep going. 

No feeling lasts forever.”

[Rainer Maria Rilke]

I know this too shall pass. 

But today it hurts like hell and all I can do is hold myself together from falling apart. 

I knew it would hurt. I knew it going in. 

When five weeks ago I accepted the explicit invitation from my European, genderqueer friend to sleep over — and sleep with them — after going out dancing with them at a queer club, I knew I was opening the door to a whole rainbow of emotions and experiences, including the possibility of loss and pain. And after our second sleep over a week later — four weeks ago — I knew I was in for a heart break. Not because they had, or have, any intentions of breaking my heart. I am sure they care for me and revel in our connection as much as I do. But there was one of those count-down clocks ticking from the start here: their return to Europe (& my unwillingness to have any sort of long-distance relationship, especially on such long distances, although this was never brought up). 

For four weeks now I’ve known this moment was going to come. Just over a week ago, I discovered it would come sooner than I was expecting, but I made peace with it and still decided to spend this past weekend with them, and go to the Denver Pride Fest & Parade with them — which was in itself one of my (& our) most meaningful experiences, both for each one of us personally and for both of us together. I knew this would be an intense weekend, a weekend full of a whole wide range of emotions — a rainbow of emotions and experiences — including some bittersweet. But no matter how prepared we are for the pain, it always hurts more than expected when it hits. 

I have loved deeply and intensely before, many times. 

I have felt strong, deep, sincere connections on the emotional, intellectual, and even sentimental/romantic levels before. 

I still have many meaningful relationships full of love and emotional & intellectual connection that are ongoing, present, and that don’t seem likely to end any time soon, fortunately. 

But no matter how much more, or other, love there is, when one love ends — or has to end — it still hurts like hell. 

And that’s where I am today: in the phase that hurts.

I wish we had had more time because there are things I still would have liked to have done, or tried, or experienced, or explored with this person. But maybe adding more time and wonderful experiences would only have made it even harder when the forced, inevitable separation eventually came? So maybe it’s better that the “time bubble” has popped now, nipping things while still in the bud?

Arys is growing! Growing, growing, growing… 

They can hardly believe the emotional & personal growth spurts they’ve been having over the past weeks. 

They’re shedding — shedding their unhealthy patterns and automatic trauma responses as their pet snake is shedding her winter skin. 

When a trigger stings, Arys stops and breathes, steps back a moment, pauses; and then goes back to the incident and/or the other person involved to face the situation, together, openly, vulnerable and gentle yet also firm in their own boundaries and/or needs. 

The description of the Peacock keeps coming back to mind…: 

“

PEACOCK 

INNER-BEAUTY, COMPASSION, ASSIMILATOR OF ANYTHING 

[… ] 

This adept creature can assimilate or ‘digest’ all experiences in life, so it does not harbor resentment, conflict, or past pain within its psyche. [… ]

When in balance: confident, kind 

When out of balance: cannot ‘digest’ situations 

[… ]

”

(from “The wild unknown Animal Spirit guidebook” by Kim Krans)

My email to the gym manager:

[Subject: We need more concrete actions for inclusivity]

”

Attention: Climbing Gym Management

Hi! 

Among other things, I am an AFAB non-binary trans-masculine climber, yogi, and athlete and I have been a member of these gyms for nearly four years (since summer 2019). 

I am writing to you now about some frustrating and painful incidents that have occurred to me at this gym over several months, and most recently ten days ago. These incidents have been frustrating and painful specifically because of my non-cis gender identity and as such point to a lack of inclusivity at your gym. I have waited this long to reach out as I wanted to do so with a calm mind rather than in the heat of emotions and I will start from the most recent events. 

On Sunday, June 11th, after going to the Pride event in town, I went to the gym to climb with a buddy and at the end of my workout I needed to use the bathroom. So I went to the all-gender stall but it was in use. So I waited. And waited. And waited. For about a quarter of an hour. Then I could wait no longer — also for physiological reasons. Since there is only one all-gender stall at this gym, I was forced to pick one of the two gendered, binary bathrooms/changing-rooms. So I picked the men’s since that one is, at this point, a little less mis-gendering/uncomfortable for me. However, when I used one of the bathroom stalls, to my dismay and practical discomfort, I found that there were no sanitary pads in there. Finally, when I went to the front desk to explain these problems, I got a haughty, saucy attitude from the person at the front desk who said to me, in a superior tone as if I were a child having a silly tantrum, “We’re doing all we can”. 

Well, NO, you’re not doing all you can. 

In fact, there have been other upsetting incidents in the past months that have occurred to me at this specific gym, including: not having secure lockers also OUTSIDE the men’s & women’s changing rooms for me to store my belongings safely while working out and having asked the staff employees there many times to get such lockers in place (as can be found at other gyms); an instructor addressed all the members of a fitness class that I attended as “Ladies”; several gym staff/employees not wearing pronouns on their badges.

Here’s the list of things that need to be changed and/or improved ASAP in order to have/provide REAL inclusivity for ALL at your gym(s): 

– more than one all-gender/accessible bathroom/changing-room stall; 

– sanitary pads in ALL bathrooms & changing-rooms, including the men’s, because there are people who identify as male and still menstruate!!! 

– place secure lockers for all gym members also OUTSIDE the men’s & women’s changing rooms so that truly ALL members can store their belongings safely while working out;

– have pronouns on all staff badges as standard, not optional; 

– instruct your staff to be more empathetic with ALL gym members, including those of different gender identities, and instruct them also to stop using gendered language such as “Ladies”, “Gentlemen”, “M’am”, “Sir”, etc. in their classes and/or when addressing people in general.

All the flags and words and drawings around the gym are nice, and help to feel more comfortable, but they also feel like empty words when in practice non-cis and/or queer people effectively encounter facts, attitudes, words, and spaces that are not really inclusive in their daily lives.

Thanks for your consideration,

“

The gym manager’s email reply to me:

”

Hi …, 

Thank you for reaching out. I know it can take courage for people to speak up on this topic, especially considering all the legislation, misinformation, and hate currently targeting trans, non-binary, and gender non-conforming individuals.  

I’m very sorry to hear you’ve had experiences here that have been frustrating and painful for you. I’d love to set up a time to meet and discuss your experience and ideas. My initial impression from your email is that we share the same beliefs and goals and can work together on solutions. This is a discussion that is important to me and I am eager and enthusiastic to have.

Would you be open to meeting? And, if so, what does your availability look like next week? 

Again, thank you for connecting with us on this and I look forward to connecting with you more.

“

I’m feeling more grounded, and more in the present moment, again. 

Maybe all I really needed was a good night’s sleep and one whole restful day just slowing down and relaxing. 

In the past ten days since coming back from my trip out West I had been feeling quite unsettled — physically exhausted, emotionally in overdrive, and generally as if I couldn’t be “in the moment” anymore. And, on top of it, I was feeling disappointed and frustrated that all of a sudden, almost from one day to the next, all the beneficial effects of the KAPT sessions seemed to have vanished, as if wiped away by an invisible yet unflinching hand. 

But I’m feeling better now. Still extremely tired, physically, but emotionally more rested and grounded. And present in my life here & now, here in Colorado, in my present home. 

My life is here, my job is here, so many wonderful friends and chosen family are here, my present & future plans are here for the moment. 

I think that all I really needed was that day of rest yesterday, to see that I can spend a day doing nothing, canceling climbing plans on a holiday because of tiredness, and still enjoy my life here and not feel lonely. Despite having to cancel my climbing plans and feeling terribly bummed about that, I still felt the closeness of my climbing buddy, his sincere friendship. And then the closeness and affection of several friends here, with some of whom I texted and one who came to visit me at my new place with their partner and even met my new housemates (part of my queer chosen family). 

I have been able to integrate and digest all the overwhelming, mixed feelings from last weekend’s Pride events. And writing my posts and talking with my friends yesterday and sleeping on it all last night also allowed me to process and make peace — truly and deeply — with the intense events & emotions from this romantic weekend that I just had with my genderqueer European friend. I was able to make plans with them to spend next weekend together again and to go to the last big Pride event together with other queer friends of mine. And truly and deeply in my heart feel that I’m looking forward to another intimate, romantic, festive weekend while also being totally ready for it to be the last one with this particular person. They will soon be going back to Europe while my life is here. It’s been lovely while it’s lasted, it will probably be wonderful this upcoming weekend as well, but time is up and I’m ready for it to be so.