The Little Prince and the Fox

I don’t know how much of this is still the effect of the psychedelic therapy sessions I did with ketamine three weeks ago, but anyway I am still feeling extremely grounded and centered and living in the present like I have hardly ever before. 

I have been feeling extremely, wonderfully loved: loved in a supportive, safe, encouraging, affirming way that does not stifle me, on the contrary, it helps to ground me and from there to grow and move forward. 

I am feeling open and accepting and overall centered and balanced even in the face of strong emotions. 

And I have been, and am, feeling extremely present in the moment, here & now — wherever that “here & now” is — usually my chosen life in Colorado; last week my visit for work and with friends in California; and this week, a scientific conference in Washington. Enjoying every moment, every experience, fully, deeply, thoroughly, and then letting it go when its time is done.

Retaining the memories & feelings that are healthy for me, while letting go of the rest as water under the bridge.  

Traveling, at an airport again. This used to be one of the most upsetting locations/situations for me with respect to mis-gendering and gender dysphoria (apart from other issues). But not this morning: in the security line, I was directed by the employee who said to me, “This way, sir”! 

I still do hate the use of “sir” and “ma’am” in general when addressing people — I really do believe the English language should find another way of addressing people, and strangers. 

Overall in life, and especially professionally & in the STEM fields, I do not want to “pass” for a cis-man; in such superficial and general instances such as an airport or more broadly brief interactions with strangers in the service industry and/or in public spaces, though, being addressed as a man, or as “sir”, feels infinitely more comfortable and appropriate to me than being addressed as “ma’am”. 

And I also feel much more confident and safer walking such spaces “as a man”.

“ 

Today I have grown taller from walking with the trees. 

“

[Karle Wilson Baker]

This weekend, Arys grew taller from standing his ground. 

They had felt extremely nervous and anxious and self-conscious about using the men’s changing room at the climbing gym where they used to go regularly when they were living in California and where they returned this past Saturday for a visit. Particularly nervous also because this place doesn’t feel “homely” to them anymore the way it used to or the way the ones in Colorado now do, and also partly because there was some fear of running into old acquaintances with whom it might feel mutually uncomfortable to meet in the men’s room.  

And, in fact, the unpleasant incident that happened before Arys’s workout around them using the men’s changing room was with “someone they used to know” there… 

But despite that uncomfortable situation, despite their nervousness and anxiety, Arys stood his ground and stayed: Arys used that space where they felt weird and self-conscious because deep inside him Arys knew (also thanks to friends’ encouraging words) that he belonged, Arys knew that he had all the right to be there. Arys stayed then, despite the unpleasant incident before their workout, and they went back in there and used the men’s changing room more extensively, at their leisure, without hiding their scars, again after their workout. 

Arys stood his ground, growing even physically, holding his head up straighter and his shoulders broader the second time around in the men’s changing room at the gym. And they’re doing the same, more and more, when they use the men’s bathrooms in public spaces, or even just walking down the street. Meeting people’s gaze, not in a challenging way, but with confidence and kindness, with a warm and steady strength. Embodying this true self that is coming out, coming into itself, into himself. 

Embodying the Peacock of the tarot cards’ description: flamboyantly handsome from a beauty that comes from within; confident and kind, and strong.

I found this sticker, after my workout, on the bench under/among my belongings in the men’s changing room at the climbing gym where I used to go regularly when I was living in California and where I returned this past Saturday for a visit. 

I’m not sure if someone dropped it or forgot it there, or someone maybe saw/noticed me and left it on purpose as a “welcome” message. It felt serendipitous to me, anyway, and since no one else was around to claim it when I left (& there were plenty more at the front desk), I took it with me as a “good omen” from the Universe.

And I will keep it, as a kind and welcoming, albeit silent, “you belong here” message, especially after the unpleasant/uncomfortable, and definitely not welcoming, incident around my using the men’s changing room before my workout. 

Since starting this trip on Sunday, I haven’t once been called “ma’am” — not even at the airport! And actually, in the past three days, I’ve been referred to, or addressed, as a (young) man three times, once a day — the latest episode being this afternoon on the street with my photographer friend and being taken for their boyfriend. 

Moreover, since my top-surgery, there have been many small incidents, small gestures, often lasting only the blink of an eye and wordless but still very clear, like the curt nods of recognition/camaraderie I’ve gotten several times when passing an unknown man at a door or gate or passageway in the street or on public transit, for instance.

The three episodes from the past three days felt really euphoric for me and in general these incidents feel extremely gender-affirming. However, they’re also giving me food for thought. 

The world around me is starting not only to perceive me like a (young) man but also to react to, or interact with, me as a man. Which means that, in turn, I (will) “walk the world” in a different way. And my own actions will be perceived by the world, by people around me, in a different way. 

In many ways, I feel safer walking the world being read as a male. But I still lack a lot of confidence and I am aware of being potentially at risk — a target — if perceived as a gay boy or a trans-man, rather than a straight cis-man. 

I also realize that my words or actions towards other people might be interpreted or perceived very differently now that I am perceived more male. For instance, on public transit this afternoon, I found my gaze lingering a little on a good-looking guy sitting a few seats away. I didn’t mean to stare, I was immersed in my own thoughts & listening to music, but my gaze had lingered on him and suddenly he noticed it or felt it: and he looked away almost uncomfortably. Did he think I was a gay guy looking at him? 

On that same train I also noticed a beautiful young girl standing in the aisle and I found myself making a special effort not to look in her direction in case people around me, or she herself, thought I was some “creepy guy” staring at her. 

I might be hypersensitive, or hyperaware, or simply still lacking confidence. But I do believe that some things will shift for me as I am perceived as more male. And since I refuse to yield to, or feed into, the binary system and toxic privileges, maybe my hyperawareness is good…  

On the other hand, how much of this hypersensitivity of mine is actually stemming from social conditioning and/or ingrained prejudices that I’ve absorbed?

I just had another moment of wonderful gender euphoria: I was walking down the street and someone outside a store addressed me, “How are you doing today, sir?”

Granted, my face was mostly covered, but apparently my clothes and haircut and clearly flat chest were sufficient to point in the right “gender direction”…!

Earlier today I had one of the loveliest moments of joy coming from gender euphoria. 

I was in a beautiful community garden getting ready for my first post-op photoshoot with one of my closest friends who’s an artist and while I was putting sunscreen on my scars, standing around in my masculine climbing pants and with my naked torso, a group of three people stopped to chat with us (mainly with my photographer friend) about the plants. And suddenly the elderly woman in the group referred to me as “he”, speaking to my friend and saying “He’s very handsome. He reminds me of one of my brothers”. And then proceeded to show us a picture of her brother when he was much younger. 

I can hardly put into words the gender euphoria that I felt… I could hardly believe my ears and could hardly get myself to speak, almost for fear of breaking what to me felt like a magic spell…

My friend & I both got goosebumps from the incident — and I’m so glad my friend was there with me to witness it and to share in my happiness, my sheer joy from feeling so thoroughly seen as myself! 

Two weeks after my KAPT session I am still feeling the beneficial effects of those psychedelic therapeutic journeys, with one of the longest-lasting sensations, still intensely alive & profoundly true within me even now, being a sense of softening and opening up while also feelings stronger, more solid, more grounded. 

During my first ketamine journey two weeks ago, one of the psychedelic experiences/sensations I had were shapes and colors that I know meant “war”. At a certain point and for a while, I saw & felt abstract shapes & colors that I knew meant war. But I also knew, almost immediately, that it was NOT MY WAR. Maybe it was my parents’ war, maybe my grandparents’ war (maybe even actual World War II), or maybe it was an archetypical war stemming from collective consciousness. But anyhow, it was not my war. And I knew that, I knew it in that profound, not-rational, deeper than rational way, with that “ancient knowledge” even while I was tripping, which is probably the reason why I wasn’t upset by those shapes, colors, and feelings or sensations even during my ketamine journey. 

Not my war. 

And so, if it’s not my war, then I can lay down my weapons and armor, at least on that front. 

Is that why I feel so much softening since my KAPT sessions? 

I’ve been feeling a profound softening and opening up — I feel myself softer and yet stronger, more solid, more grounded, more present here & now, more alive in a calm & tranquil and yet confident & eager way. More open. Af is my strength and solidity came from inside, rippling outwards, rather than from an outside armor I was wearing. 

There’s an openness with a strong, calm, confident solidity; an openness and strength that are more accepting of my vulnerabilities, without being scared of them; an openness without separateness but with clear, healthy, kind boundaries. 

My KAPT guide put it as, “There’s no YES without a NO”. 

For me now, the “YES” is the openness, the renewed aliveness in the present moment, enjoying & accepting everything here & now, actively living in the (eternally) present moment. 

The “NO” — the healthy, confident, and even kind “NO” — is the setting of strong, healthy, kind boundaries; the recognition of what is mine — my responsibility, my burden, my “war” — vs. what is not; the recognition of what belongs here & now vs. what does not (anymore). 

And this “NO”, these multiple “NO”’s are healthy and kind in the sense that there’s no regret, no bitterness, no blame or shame, no anger or pain (anymore). 

It’s a “NO” of kindly but firmly turning away and letting go, like a setting down of something for good, with calm conviction. 

And with a similar calm conviction I believe that having said those “NO”’s is allowing me to say so many more healthy, open “YES”’s here & now, in my present moment. And this feels so good, in a wonderfully profound and liberating way!  

It’s 3:30 in the morning and I’ve been awake for over an hour. I woke up to pee, as often happens during the night, but then I haven’t been able to get back to sleep despite my tiredness and the guided meditation to help me relax. 

The feelings from my KAPT sessions are still lingering, too strong for me to sleep tonight, especially the ones from my second journey, the one on Tuesday. That sense of all-encompassing love. That sense of there being so much love. It’s still here. Not as clearly or intensely present in my body as it was on my journey on Tuesday, but still very present, very clear, very intense, and quite overwhelming. 

There’s so much love, and I know where it comes from. I know. 

God, this is so powerful. It’s too much for a human. 

Is that why we shut it out? Why our “normal” senses keep it from us in daily life, so that we can “function” without being constantly overwhelmed, constantly in awe? Does the medicine simply allow us to see it, to feel it wholly? Like other agents or situations (deep meditation, runner’s high, communion with Nature, etc.) but even more intensely?  

I know I’ve felt similar ecstatic moments and had some mystical experiences, precisely in deep meditation, or on a runner’s high, or in communion with Nature; but it’s never been so profound, so intense, so overwhelming and long-lasting as these effects from my KAPT journeys. Maybe because the ketamine actually allowed me to feel it all more deeply, even at a chemical level? In fact, on my first journey (on Monday) one of the things I felt and couldn’t help myself from saying was “Allow — Let it be”. And then during my second journey (on Tuesday), I clearly remember thinking & saying out loud (while totally under the effect), “Is it all in my mind? It’s just chemistry!”

Was I trying to reassure myself on Tuesday? 

On both days, at the beginning of the journey there was some resistance in me: despite really being almost totally out of control of the whole situation, I could feel myself trying to maintain some control, trying to resist the effects, trying to explain and/or filter the sensations. On both journeys, it was only after I had somehow “decided” to allow whatever was happening to happen, it was only then that the real, profound opening and connection happened. It was only then that I felt myself turn into a flag, a mountain, a river, be in the Earth. And it was only then that I felt that overwhelming, all-encompassing, ever-present, totally true sense of LOVE. It was only then that the healing came. Once I allowed “it” — whatever “it” may be. 

And now I’m still feeling it. And it’s keeping me awake. Maybe because my “regular consciousness” cannot allow it fully?  

Of course, now that I’m back in my “regular consciousness”, I cannot really feel those same physical sensations of flying, of moving or flowing with all those shapes & colors, of turning into a flag, a mountain, a river, of being in the Earth among the roots. But I can still remember those physical sensations very well. I can still remember that sense of disembodiment, that sense of being pure disembodied consciousness. I can still remember these sensations even physically, to a certain extent. 

And I can still feel that all-encompassing, ever-present, totally true sense of LOVE. Overwhelming. 

Would it be less overwhelming if I somehow allowed it to be, if I somehow surrendered to it?

Sometimes you get an email that makes your day. 

That just happened to me now. 

This upcoming Saturday there will be a charitable 5K run in my neighborhood: I saw it posted in the Open Space where I often go for my walks or runs and decided to try and participate — as a non-binary athlete, of course. But, as I half expected, until yesterday there was no other “Gender” category than the usual, binary options of “Male” & “Female”. So I wrote to the organizers straight away, telling them how eager I was to run in this charitable neighborhood event but that I wouldn’t sign up unless there was an official “Non-binary” category reflecting both my gender identity and the legal gender-marker on my IDs. 

Well, I just got the reply from the organizers, saying, “Hi A***, We look forward to seeing you at the event. Do you need to be timed for the 5K run? M*** ” 

So I went back to the website and clicked the “Sign up” link anew and the Registrant form now has FOUR gender options: “Male”, “Female”, “Non-binary”, and “Prefer not to say” — another step forward for improving equity and inclusion — YAY!!!