Category Archives: Uncategorized

One week ago at this time I was under general anesthesia in the middle of my masculinizing mastectomy.  In a couple weeks I’ll be starting physical therapy and hopefully in 3-4 weeks I can start running again — maybe even swimming carefully, if my scars are healed enough to avoid infection…  Last night I wasContinue reading “One week after “my big day”!”

One of the people in my local support network who came to visit me & brought me lunch yesterday afternoon made a very insightful (& important for me) remark when I told them about my housemate’s attack from Tuesday evening. My friend said, “One must be careful when someone’s ‘needs’ or ‘boundaries’ actually become abuseContinue reading “Abuse disguised as “boundaries””

“Hey — Not sorry about asking for boundaries, but I am very sorry about how I requested them. Sincere apologies.”  I’m still reeling from the shock of yet another instance of my housemate flying off the handle, being unable to check her control issues, and leash out at me.  One could argue that her “boundaries”Continue reading “I need to move out of this house ASAP”

[Trigger warning: some explicit description of the masculinizing mastectomy procedure.] Eleven days ago, I undressed and changed clothing and poses, enjoying and celebrating my body — and in many ways bidding it, or parts of it, a farewell —to the notes of this and other songs by Khruangbin for my pre-surgery “memorial” photoshoot with aContinue reading ““Shades of Man””

I think this might be the hardest phase…  Three days ago, on the morning of Thursday, January 26th, I had my gender-affirming top-surgery. And now I’m in this in-between phase: neither having that body I had been used to for years, for decades, nor yet having the partly new body that I’ve been craving forContinue reading “The hermit crab”

Funny how time stops beating regularly in these phases before some big event, some huge leap of faith — minutes drag on like centuries, hours are gone in seconds.  One year ago in these exact same days I was preparing for my partly unknown move, my transition, from California to Colorado.  Now I’m preparing forContinue reading “Anniversary of Liberation, frenzy of emotions, and frozen time”

Getting on testosterone feels like one of the best decisions of my life.  As my arms & shoulders squeeze into, stretch out, or simply can no longer fit into my old tops, as my thighs fill my jeans in a different way, as I see my body in the mirror morphing slowly but surely, oneContinue reading ““What’s mine coming to me””

[Trigger warnings: Trauma (particularly in sexual and/or relational situations)] There’s clearly trauma that has been triggered for me here.  The reply I gave the other person’s question about relationships on our date on Tuesday night came from a place of insecure attachment and the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors I’ve had since are clear symptoms ofContinue reading “Trauma response, Adult response”

It’s 3:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep.  Last night I went on my second date with the person who picked me up at the gym: a dinner date.  On the outside, one could say it went really well: the conversation flowed pleasant and lively, never dull, continuously for a couple hours; the vibeContinue reading “Same mistake over and over again?”

These have been the best “holidays” that I’ve had in a while.  One of the strongest feelings in December 2016 was the sense of liberation and joyous relief for not having to undergo the usual “holiday tour de force” into which I had been forced my entire life up to then (or, at least, forContinue reading “Happy (Western) New Year!”