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The first performance I did with the gay men’s chorus on Thursday evening ended up being such a difficult, overwhelming experience for me that I skipped the one on the next day.  Last Thursday, I just couldn’t get myself in the mood to perform with them. My social battery was drained, my introvert self wasContinue reading “My gay men’s family”

Tonight I have the first full, official concert with the gay men’s chorus. And I’m not really in the mood for it.  Since last Wednesday, in just over one week, I’ve sung & hung out with people from the choir already four times, and will have to do so for four more days in aContinue reading “Too much cake…?”

I thought I hated shopping. I actually used to hate shopping — shopping for clothes or shoes or accessories always felt like a nightmare to me and I used to avoid it like the plague. I still avoid shopping: I tend to do it only when I really, really have to (e.g. today, I finallyContinue reading “Men’s dress shoes & ties: gender-euphoria & healing”

Sometimes I tend to ruminate and/or hold onto things more than is necessary, or even good, for me.  OK, so this gay men’s chorus means a lot to me. Fine. Six months ago, I made the decision to reach out to them and prepare for the audition, which I eventually passed in August. I acceptedContinue reading “Own my choices and then let go”

I’m feeling a sense of sadness that is similar to what I experience sometimes after the super-high of a race: it’s like some sort of “post-high low”.  I’m probably also trying to come to terms with the fact that this gay men’s chorus means so much more to me that I do to them.  IfContinue reading “Slowly learning to let go…”

In the past four days I’ve had half a dozen “firsts”, so many wonderful first times that I’m still reeling from it.  My first performance (albeit small & partial) with the gay men’s chorus.  My first concert singing with my “new” — low or “male” — voice.  My first gay-boy hookup.  My first queer Friends-/ThanksgivingContinue reading “Magical “first times””

To Andrew:  “  I want to live where soul meets body And let the sun wrap its arms around me And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing And feel, feel what it’s like to be new ‘Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station Where I send my thoughts to far off destinationsContinue reading ““Soul meets body””

I think the main reason — concrete, tangible — why it is affirming for me in such a unique and intense way to have sex with a gay man is because in that moment, like in no other, I am being seen and accepted — concretely, tangibly — as a boy regardless of what IContinue reading ““Where soul meets body””

Yesterday, I had another wonderful — joyful, fun, validating, affirming, liberating, empowering — experience, also connected to the gay men’s chorus in which I sing.  We did a small performance for the “lighting of the lights” event on the façade of the City Hall building. We sang ten of the sixteen songs from our upcomingContinue reading “Magical affirmations and learning to let go”