Uncategorized – Page 21 – The Little Prince and the Fox

Papa’ e’ morto

[Trigger warnings: death of parent; losses; grief.] The other persistent feeling of the past few weeks has been a stronger wave of grief due to a new, deeper realization of my father’s death. He died over a year ago and yet I don’t think I ever really grieved him. Apart from the first couple daysContinue reading “Papa’ e’ morto”

My gender is a rainbow

In the past several weeks I’ve been feeling three sensations persistently. One of them — the bright, or light, one — is a liberating and profound sense of my gender being a rainbow, or maybe a kaleidoscope. I wouldn’t call it “fluid”, as in genderfluid, because to me it doesn’t feel like it’s shifting orContinue reading “My gender is a rainbow”

Precious weekend

I can use many words to describe this weekend retreat with the gay men’s chorus: fun, playful, interesting, tiring, long, intense, healing, liberating, powerful, wonderful. And they’d all be appropriate. But if I had to pick just one word to describe it, I would choose precious. This weekend retreat with the gay men’s chorus to meContinue reading “Precious weekend”

Grief and that unrelenting yearning

[Trigger warnings: loss, death of parent, grief.] Ten days ago, the weekend I was staying with my closest climbing buddy and his partner, after my solo hike on Sunday I could feel this lump in my throat, this knot in my chest as I relaxed. Grief. Grief that needed to be honored and released. IContinue reading “Grief and that unrelenting yearning”

When the body says “No”

It’s Monday night, past 10 o’clock. I’m very tired from an exhausting weekend and the stress accumulation over weeks. I’ve done all “my homework”, i.e. all the things I know will help me to relax and eventually get a good night’s sleep: meditation before dinner; warm bath and enjoyable book after dinner; guided relaxation/meditation inContinue reading “When the body says “No””

“Shake it off”

“ Regrets collect like old friends Here to relive your darkest moments I can see no way, I can see no way And all of the ghouls come out to play And every demon wants his pound of flesh But I like to keep some things to myself I like to keep my issues drawnContinue reading ““Shake it off””

My obsessive brain and the pull of climbers

My brain (or mind?) has the tendency to obsess. I think it always has. This tendency has often served me well as it has allowed me to achieve many of my important, most desired, and often vital goals. These (obsessive) goals have been academic, professional, athletic, or connected to major personal changes/milestones/needs. A few timesContinue reading “My obsessive brain and the pull of climbers”

Record of some good “big little things”

Choir rehearsal went well last night. The only thing that didn’t go well was that I had to leave very early and abruptly: I was so exhausted that I was really afraid I wouldn’t be able to drive myself home safely so I left before the half-way break. In the short time I was there,Continue reading “Record of some good “big little things””

First times and big little victories

I’ve raced many half-marathons but in some ways yesterday’s was my first. Another “first” in a week of “first times”. It was my first half-marathon run and officially recognized and awarded as a nonbinary athlete. And that equal award for nonbinary athletes exists now within the races of this organization greatly thanks to my efforts. Continue reading “First times and big little victories”

Big little steps

Amid all the stress and difficult emotions of the past weeks, there have been some good moments, too, moments in which I’ve been able to relax a bit, counting on the shelter of friends, on their support, love, and practical help. And despite all the stress, I have also had a couple of moments ofContinue reading “Big little steps”