Author Archives: adventurerliberated

This has been the first good Christmas for me in years. But it’s also been very melancholic and full of different, even opposite, intense emotions.  This month of December has been rough, a roller-coaster of feelings, often difficult ones, with a lot of loneliness and fear of the holidays.  The end of the semester withContinue reading “Melancholic Merry Christmas”

I’m having nightmares. Nightmares from which I wake up screaming, or wanting to scream, wrenching myself awake with a huge, conscious effort, like a struggle for life. Then I’m left feeling shaken, scarred, almost traumatized all day long.  What’s happening?  Something is stirring in the depths of my psyche… what is it?  These nightmares seemContinue reading “Nightmares”

Maybe the hardest part of all this for me is that I still have hope, I still have some fuel left, given by a mix of hope and anger. I am a fighter: the fighter in me is exhausted and sad and bitter, but he’s also still alive and angry and a little hopeful. I’mContinue reading “Broken system — hope & anger”

I need to write this. I need to because I’ve been bottling in too many intense and troubling emotions deep down inside me in the past few months. I need to write this also to keep track of how I feel.  How I feel is that I don’t want to live.  I am lonely andContinue reading “I don’t want to live”

[Spoiler alert: some details about the book “Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe” by Benjamin Alire Saenz] I’m reading the book “Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe” by Benjamin Alire Saenz. A novel about the friendship, bromance, and love between two teenage boys in El Paso, TX, in theContinue reading “Dante & Ari”

For some reason, the disconnect I had had with my deepest emotions for the past couple months became unendurable this past week. A mechanism that had been working, and even serving me well, for the past month or two, came to its breaking point — and so intensely that I almost felt like I wasContinue reading “(Re)connection, compassion, love”

I’m a little worried that my non-binary climber/skater friend with benefits & I might have different expectations or levels of attachment — theirs being stronger than mine. I hope that’s not the case — and I need to clarify ASAP.  Where I stand in this relationship, as with many of my closest & most meaningfulContinue reading “Trust through exploration”

Yesterday, I felt sad. A mixture of sadness due to some specific reasons together with a more vague melancholy like a blanket or veil covering everything. I’m still feeling it a bit today. And while it’s not fun, or pleasant, to feel this way, I am also grateful because I am feeling something, I amContinue reading “Sadness — feeling something”

Lately, I’m often, usually, feeling empty of emotions.  After all the turmoil and roller-coaster of emotions from the past year — discomfort and anxiety from the place where I was living (i.e. the person with whom I was living); fear and trepidation for my gender-affirming top-surgery; relief and joy in the new place I foundContinue reading “Setting emotions in motion”