Author Archives: adventurerliberated

Maybe the hardest part of all this for me is that I still have hope, I still have some fuel left, given by a mix of hope and anger. I am a fighter: the fighter in me is exhausted and sad and bitter, but he’s also still alive and angry and a little hopeful. I’mContinue reading “Broken system — hope & anger”

I need to write this. I need to because I’ve been bottling in too many intense and troubling emotions deep down inside me in the past few months. I need to write this also to keep track of how I feel.  How I feel is that I don’t want to live.  I am lonely andContinue reading “I don’t want to live”

[Spoiler alert: some details about the book “Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe” by Benjamin Alire Saenz] I’m reading the book “Aristotle and Dante discover the secrets of the universe” by Benjamin Alire Saenz. A novel about the friendship, bromance, and love between two teenage boys in El Paso, TX, in theContinue reading “Dante & Ari”

For some reason, the disconnect I had had with my deepest emotions for the past couple months became unendurable this past week. A mechanism that had been working, and even serving me well, for the past month or two, came to its breaking point — and so intensely that I almost felt like I wasContinue reading “(Re)connection, compassion, love”

I’m a little worried that my non-binary climber/skater friend with benefits & I might have different expectations or levels of attachment — theirs being stronger than mine. I hope that’s not the case — and I need to clarify ASAP.  Where I stand in this relationship, as with many of my closest & most meaningfulContinue reading “Trust through exploration”

Yesterday, I felt sad. A mixture of sadness due to some specific reasons together with a more vague melancholy like a blanket or veil covering everything. I’m still feeling it a bit today. And while it’s not fun, or pleasant, to feel this way, I am also grateful because I am feeling something, I amContinue reading “Sadness — feeling something”

Lately, I’m often, usually, feeling empty of emotions.  After all the turmoil and roller-coaster of emotions from the past year — discomfort and anxiety from the place where I was living (i.e. the person with whom I was living); fear and trepidation for my gender-affirming top-surgery; relief and joy in the new place I foundContinue reading “Setting emotions in motion”

In the healing process that I have been undergoing over the past two or three months since this summer’s losses, I have often, albeit intermittently, been feeling a greater sense of “distance”, sometimes even “detachment”: from my deeper, most vulnerable feelings; from troubling memories; from some close friends.  Can I really, in only a coupleContinue reading “Distances”

Today’s ten months since getting my gender-affirming top-surgery… YAY!!! Four months ago, at the half-year mark from my gender-affirming top-surgery, I celebrated it with my European queer ex-lover. It was our last long weekend together before their return home, to Europe. We went out for dinner to one of the places that had become oneContinue reading “Ten months!”

It’s not the first time that I’ve had deep, intense emotions related to my gender identity — feeling a deeper & broader sense of exploration, discovery, and understanding of my gender — through singing or having sex (both with other people, not just myself). But I hadn’t had either in a while and I’ve experiencedContinue reading “Exploring my gender through sex & song”