Knowing what Jack & I could have had, or what we could have, if only he mustered the courage, makes it impossible for me, at least for now, to just hang out as buddies for chai or for a run or hike or climb, like we used to. Partly because I’m hurt by the way he handled this whole situation and partly because Pandora’s vase has been opened for me.
If he hadn’t brought up his more-than-platonic desires towards me, I would never have dreamed of anything more than a platonic friendship between us. But once he did, it opened up pools of desire in me, too, and the illusion of those needs been satisfied.
But it turned out to be a mirage.
So it’s painful for me now. It’s like having to put the genie back in the bottle. Not easy.
Either way, it’s gong to be painful for a while. But I think that for me it’s going to be slightly less painful to not see or talk to him for a while rather than see him and act as if everything were “normal” or as if “nothing had happened” between us.
So I have, effectively, lost a friend.
And now, I have to mourn this loss.
Yet another loss.
The Little Prince and the Fox 