“Friends fall for each other”

“Yeah, at surface level what’s happened between you guys seems weird or even impossible, but if you think of it, it’s actually quite a universal experience: friends fall for each other, because they like each other as persons”. 

Ron’s words yesterday evening brought me some respite, some lightness, almost a sense of things being “smoothed out”. Because they brought a sense of “normalcy” not by discounting but, rather, by actually affirming while also highlighting the universality of the situation that has thrown me & Jack for a loop.

After all, stories like those between Elio & Oliver in “Call me by your name” or Jules & Jim or even Achilles & Patroclus were not “gay romances” but, really, “friends falling for each other” or “friends loving each other” because they liked each other as persons, regardless of sex or gender or sexual orientations. 

In fact, in almost three decades of “beyond-platonic” experiences, it’s happened to me dozens of times. All my deepest relationships that evolved into “more-than-platonic” had started, and for a long time remained, as platonic friendships. And in all cases except two, I never felt sexual/physical attraction for the other party involved but, rather, became positively willing to have sexual/physical intimacy only after the other person(s) had shown their sexual/physical attraction towards me. 

What caught me by surprise this time is that I had supposed that, by surrounding myself with straight guy friends and being myself an aro-ace transman, no sexual/physical attraction could possibly evolve between any of us. 

I guess that shows residues of my own normative thinking… But I believe my buddy Ron is right: deep down, there’s nothing “weird” or “impossible” in what has happened between me & Jack. 

Where Jack & I need to be careful, though, and probably pull back, is in understanding the causes and consequences of our “falling for each other”. First of all, we’re neither of us “falling for” the other in the sense that is usually understood, i.e. of “falling in love”: there’s nothing romantic between us or in our feelings for one another. It’s love, solid, deep, “rational” love between two friends who know each other well and trust each other and are compatible in many practical ways. But, more importantly, we’re also two people whose deep emotional, relational and physical/sexual needs are not getting met. This might lead us to blindly seeking that fulfillment with one another, and that’s where it gets tricky, dangerous. 

That’s what we need to look out for, and the reason I’m deciding to assume that, at least for now, we’re going back to our platonic friendship, while also remembering the universality of this experience: friends fall for each other, because they like each other as persons.