A moral question

“Where were you when your father needed you?” is something my mother has asked me full of venom almost every time we have talked since my father’s death two & a half years ago — which is one of the reasons why the times we talk are so few and far between. 

Where was my dad when I needed a father growing up?

Where was my mother when I needed understanding or support in my gender journey? 

Where was my sister when I would have needed her to intercede with my parents, as I had so often done for her?

But I never voiced those questions out loud, never addressed them to the people in my family of origin, not wanting to “cure” venom with yet more venom.

Growing up, so many burdens — emotional burdens, blame, expectations — were placed on me by my family of origin from the youngest age, especially by my mother who would, just as her own mother, throw things back at people, full of venom and blame. I was young and vulnerable, could not defend myself from the emotional or psychological onslaught, but I knew it was wrong, I knew it was not OK, and I promised myself that I would never, ever do the same to anyone in my own life. I would never throw things back at people, never place the blame at their door or expect them to carry burdens that belonged to me. This has been one of the most important needles in my own inner compass, one I always try to stand by. So now, I’m facing what is to me, effectively, a moral question with the gay climber who rejected me, causing me deep pain. 

He’d like us to be “adventure buddies” and I hope to have the strength, sooner rather than later, to resume a platonic friendship with him, and my wish would be for this friendship to be profound and sincere. I am well aware that the pain caused by his rejection of me from the physical/sexual viewpoint has many layers or facets to it, only partly connected to, or caused by, the gay climber specifically. I know there are other issues being triggered for me, including insecurity around my gender identity, the wounds from a plethora of rejections from other cis gay men and the fear or sense of not “belonging in the gay world”, and the trauma from the loss (neglect & abandonment) related to my father. What “percent” of the pain I’m feeling now is specifically from the rejection received from the gay climber is hard to say. So, since the pain is not entirely caused by him, do I have the right to share with him that being “just friends” now is painful for me giving him at least a part of the deeper explanation, or not? How much do I have the right — or duty — to share with him now? Or should I go through months of therapy to try and solve my own issues by myself (with professional help from a counselor) and only then, later on, attempt a conversation and reconnection as “just friends” or “adventure buddies” with the gay climber? 

My intention to clarify with him, to explain some of the causes of my pain to him, would not be to blame: I have nothing to blame him of! I’m not in the least angry or sour at him, which is one of the reasons it’s so hard for me to just shelve this friendship. My intentions, the reason why I’d want to explain to him about my pain would be to deepen our friendship by being open, honest, and sincere with him, and hoping that he would do so in return. Because that’s part of building a true friendship, in my opinion. So my intentions are “good”. But would that justify my “unburdening myself” with him, even partially? Or would it be unacceptable, inappropriate, regardless of my intentions? 

Do I have the moral duty to carry this burden by myself (possibly with the help of others but not the gay climber), or am I allowed instead to share it, at least partially, with him for the sake of an authentic friendship?