“It is what it is”

[Trigger warnings: death, loss, grief.]

“

[…]

We’re lost and no-one wants to feel like that

We’ll find a way we can work this out

But it is what it is right now

I don’t have the words to make this right

Or a way to fix it all tonight

I know right now, it don’t seem like much

[…]

It’s dark today but the sun gon’ rise

Can’t rush the dawn before its time

Soon “what is” will be “what was”

[…]

But it is what it is right now

[…]

”

[from song “Is what it is” by Chance Peña]

This past weekend, I had another bout of profound grief, with that wrenching, unbearable longing for my dad — a child longing for their lost father. 

As I let myself sink into the depths and feel the grief wholly, I suddenly realized this pain is pure now. It’s finally unentangled from the grief related to my European queer ex-lover. Now, the grief for the father I lost is as pure, sharp and clear, as a diamond. My grief now belongs only to that wrenching loss that will be the deepest wound in my life. My grief belongs only to them: father and son. 

Realizing this brought me further healing. Bittersweet healing but healing nonetheless. I realized that the aborted attempt of reconnection with my European queer ex-lover in the autumn has actually brought me the long-needed and ultimate closure with that person, with that relationship. I’m now fully at peace with that relationship having ended, with that person being out of my life. And that closure unentangled the death of my father from the breakup with my European queer ex-lover. The loss of my father is a much older, much deeper, much more painful wound, and if I can honor in & as of itself, unshackled from anything else, then I can find deeper (albeit never full) healing.

The other aspect that has brought me further healing with respect to my father’s death as well as relational difficulties in general this past year has been an increased capacity to see things — situations, relationships, persons — how they really are and accept them as they are. An “it is what is it” attitude. Not in a passive way but, rather, in a realistic and empowered way: if this is the reality, and I can accept it as it is, then I can also deal with it as it is and not let it overwhelm me completely. I have “good days” and I have “bad days”: on the “good days”, I use all my energy to be productive and enjoy the happiness or enthusiasm or optimism I feel and try to get as much done as possible; on the “bad days”, I allow myself to sink into the difficult emotions, to feel them wholly, to let them engulf me, if necessary. I also have “so so” days, where I’m balancing different emotions or opposing states of mind, and I try to hold the “good” and the “bad” together (which is probably the hardest part).

It doesn’t mean that my difficulties aren’t real, that the painful wounds or disappointing relationships are “just my imagination”. But I’ve learned I can rest or reset within those difficult emotions, and then I can start again, without having to cut the sadness or grief out of myself — out of my soul, my head, my body — but embracing it all as part of my life, as part of what I carry.