It’s mid-summer. After almost a year of paperwork and emailing back & forth with the Italian Consulate in Chicago and the City Hall of the city where I was born back in Europe, I have finally received the communication that I didn’t dare hope for: “Your sex change has been accepted and your gender amended to ‘M’.” That meant I could finally go ahead and make an appointment at the Consulate to renew my passport not only with my chosen name but also with my affirmed gender (although they still call it “sex”).
Weeks go by as I try, daily, to book an appointment at the Consulate through their automated online system — the only way one can make an appointment — but keep getting the message “Sorry, but there are no more dates available at this moment”. Then, one evening in late summer, I log into the automated system going through the usual motions and expecting the usual “no go” message, but this time the screen appears different, there’s actually a calendar from which one can pick dates! The only date available for the rest of this entire year, though, is precisely my birthday. My heart sinks as I see myself spending my birthday all alone in Chicago, instead of at home in Colorado with friends, flying out to a city that I didn’t enjoy at all in April and doing paperwork. But I didn’t really have a choice, if I wanted to get my passport renewed ASAP — which I really wanted to do. And then, I thought of it from a different viewpoint: on the day of my birthday, I would be getting an official ID with my chosen name and stating that I am a ‘male’ — born again!
As the weeks go by, I start believing that my trip to Chicago will actually happen so I tentatively tell a few close friends, still afraid of jinxing it. And two of my buddies tell me about the option to ride the train from Colorado to Chicago instead of flying — which I hate. So now, this is starting to turn into a fun birthday adventure, instead of just a trip to do important (& affirming) paperwork, and I’m beginning to truly look forward to it despite having to do it by myself.
At the end of September, I sat outdoors in the sunshine having chai and catching up with one of my cis-het climbing buddies. While shaky and tentative at first, our friendship has been growing steadily over several years, especially this past year & a half. We haven’t really climbed together in almost a year because of either his or my injuries but, as with most of my close buddies, while climbing was the opportunity to meet and get to know each other, we now keep in touch and hang out over chai or going hiking, just to catch up and enjoy each other’s company and maintain the connection. My oldest climbing buddy & I hadn’t seen each other in almost two months so we’re catching up on a lot and telling each other about our various upcoming plans. So it turns out that we’d be in Chicago overlapping for a few hours on that day in mid-November, he with a layover at the airport, I doing my paperwork. I jokingly tell him how I’d take myself out for a solitary but celebratory dinner for my (re-)birthday & passport renewal, determined to mark the moment.
A few hours later, I get a text from him, asking if I’d like to have him as a travel companion in Chicago — if so, he says, he could try to change his flight to arrive a day early and celebrate (with) me. The warmth I felt in my chest at his offer is something I’ll never forget: this was an incredibly clear, strong act of love, of love the way I intend it, love as action, commitment, showing up concretely for the other person, and I was profoundly touched. I realized this would strengthen our friendship, bringing our intimacy to a deeper level (by celebrating an important event together, by sharing an AirBnb). The idea warmed my heart but also scared me a little, as intimacy always does.
My buddy was able to change his flight. I got my train to Chicago, and got my paperwork — concretely as well as symbolically meaningful paperwork — done, and my buddy arrived in Chicago as planned to celebrate my birthday & affirming gender-marker with me.
The experience at the Italian Consulate that morning was very emotional for me and might deserve another whole post to itself. But I knew — I could feel — that I was not alone, I felt really supported and loved, with all my friends rooting for me and texting me from afar and my buddy joining me in Chicago. And while one of the most emotional parts of the whole procedure at the Consulate was, indeed, what they still call “sex change”, I could feel the confidence in my own gender identity profoundly rooted and strong and peaceful. So much so, in fact, that when my buddy (who considers himself “straight”) that night in Chicago told me about his curiosities to explore his sexuality in “queer directions” and asked me if I’d be willing to explore with him, I felt comfortable and curious to experiment with him.
When my buddy & I met climbing three & a half years ago, I still looked like a “lean, athletic girl”. He’s been my friend and one of my steadiest allies since then, seeing all my changes and celebrating them with me and calling me “brother”. I’m beyond worrying that he might “see me as a girl” if we had sex. I know I have feminine sides to me as well as female body-parts, and I’m totally comfortable with that — both with myself, within my gender-identity, and with how my closest friends see/perceive me. I’m also at peace and confident with my aro-ace identity now, understanding very clearly my libido along with my general lack of sexual attraction for individuals. Thus, exploring my sexuality with different people, as long as they feel safe and offer a “safe space”, is part of exploring my gender while also, with some friends, deepening our friendship, giving additional nuances to our levels of intimacy.
So this has been a wonderful, interesting, and partly surprising birthday week, so far: traveling long distance by train for the first time in the U.S.; meeting interesting people on the train ride (including a gay man with whom I had a great conversation and exchanged phone numbers and made a more genuine connection in just an hour over dinner than I did in a whole year with the folks in the gay men’s chorus); getting my affirmed gender recognized on the day of my birthday, somehow being officially recognized as a “man” forty-four years after I had been defined a “girl” when I couldn’t advocate for myself; having sex with a cis-het guy friend who wanted to experience “MSM” and adding to my own experiences of “MSM”; and generally reveling in affirmations and explorations.
Exploring — which is probably the theme, or driving force, of my life.
The Little Prince and the Fox 