I miss human touch. But I’m also terrified of it.
I have similar contradictory feelings when it comes to the desire for connection with & interest from gay men.
I think both of these contradictory desires of mine boil down to the same thing: I crave platonic human touch. I not only want human touch, I need it — I remember writing similar things a couple years ago when I was reading the book on trauma “The body keeps the score” that, among other things, mentioned the devastating and traumatic effects on humans from the lack of reassuring/comforting/soothing/safe/consensual physical touch.
I wish I had more platonic touch in my relationships. Somehow, I feel I’m unable to get it, to even verbalize this need, partly because of my upbringing and the resulting fear that my desire for touch will be misinterpreted as “sexual”, and partly, I guess, because I am asexual & neurodivergent myself.
When I met the “Big Sibling” that was assigned to me in the gay men’s chorus a couple weeks ago, I was relieved that he greeted me and introduced himself only by shaking hands with me (instead of going in for a hug like many of these gay men seem to do so easily right off the bat with each other). I was especially grateful when I realized that my “Big Sibling” is a touchy-feely person, which shows some sensitivity on his part for respecting personal space on our first encounter. The second time we met the following week, we both spontaneously gave each other a side hug when greeting each other, and that felt good to me. This past Sunday, after my debacle at the dance audition, I really needed platonic, reassuring human touch. So when my “Big Sibling” came to find me during a break and caught my attention by touching me on my shoulder, it felt good, and I spontaneously leaned in for physical comfort and asked for a hug — which I received.
That’s the type of human touch I want, and not only when I’m upset and need to be comforted or reassured: I’d like more occasions of platonic human touch with friends or people I trust, and I would really like to be able to lean into and partake of the touchy-feely behaviors these gay men have with each other. But I also feel a huge block — shyness, embarrassment, sense of not belonging, fear of “sexual misinterpretations”. And probably I give off some message with my body language, like “Stay away from me”, without being aware of it.
Part of the problem is also that I’m entering a world that I don’t really know, a world of which I don’t know or understand the rules, so I don’t know how to act or behave. And this is one of the things for which I would really need a “Big Sibling”, i.e. a cis gay man who will guide me through this world, like a brother, as I learn to navigate it. Which is one of the things that my European queer ex-lover did for me a year and a half ago… But it’s a while back, at this point, and it wasn’t enough: I only managed to get a glimpse of it and I still need more guidance…
How do I solve this?
The Little Prince and the Fox 