Friendship, freedom, and other weird concepts
I just had another moment of wonderful gender euphoria: I was walking down the street and someone outside a store addressed me, “How are you doing today, sir?”
Granted, my face was mostly covered, but apparently my clothes and haircut and clearly flat chest were sufficient to point in the right “gender direction”…!
Earlier today I had one of the loveliest moments of joy coming from gender euphoria.
I was in a beautiful community garden getting ready for my first post-op photoshoot with one of my closest friends who’s an artist and while I was putting sunscreen on my scars, standing around in my masculine climbing pants and with my naked torso, a group of three people stopped to chat with us (mainly with my photographer friend) about the plants. And suddenly the elderly woman in the group referred to me as “he”, speaking to my friend and saying “He’s very handsome. He reminds me of one of my brothers”. And then proceeded to show us a picture of her brother when he was much younger.
I can hardly put into words the gender euphoria that I felt… I could hardly believe my ears and could hardly get myself to speak, almost for fear of breaking what to me felt like a magic spell…
My friend & I both got goosebumps from the incident — and I’m so glad my friend was there with me to witness it and to share in my happiness, my sheer joy from feeling so thoroughly seen as myself!
Two weeks after my KAPT session I am still feeling the beneficial effects of those psychedelic therapeutic journeys, with one of the longest-lasting sensations, still intensely alive & profoundly true within me even now, being a sense of softening and opening up while also feelings stronger, more solid, more grounded.
During my first ketamine journey two weeks ago, one of the psychedelic experiences/sensations I had were shapes and colors that I know meant “war”. At a certain point and for a while, I saw & felt abstract shapes & colors that I knew meant war. But I also knew, almost immediately, that it was NOT MY WAR. Maybe it was my parents’ war, maybe my grandparents’ war (maybe even actual World War II), or maybe it was an archetypical war stemming from collective consciousness. But anyhow, it was not my war. And I knew that, I knew it in that profound, not-rational, deeper than rational way, with that “ancient knowledge” even while I was tripping, which is probably the reason why I wasn’t upset by those shapes, colors, and feelings or sensations even during my ketamine journey.
Not my war.
And so, if it’s not my war, then I can lay down my weapons and armor, at least on that front.
Is that why I feel so much softening since my KAPT sessions?
I’ve been feeling a profound softening and opening up — I feel myself softer and yet stronger, more solid, more grounded, more present here & now, more alive in a calm & tranquil and yet confident & eager way. More open. Af is my strength and solidity came from inside, rippling outwards, rather than from an outside armor I was wearing.
There’s an openness with a strong, calm, confident solidity; an openness and strength that are more accepting of my vulnerabilities, without being scared of them; an openness without separateness but with clear, healthy, kind boundaries.
My KAPT guide put it as, “There’s no YES without a NO”.
For me now, the “YES” is the openness, the renewed aliveness in the present moment, enjoying & accepting everything here & now, actively living in the (eternally) present moment.
The “NO” — the healthy, confident, and even kind “NO” — is the setting of strong, healthy, kind boundaries; the recognition of what is mine — my responsibility, my burden, my “war” — vs. what is not; the recognition of what belongs here & now vs. what does not (anymore).
And this “NO”, these multiple “NO”’s are healthy and kind in the sense that there’s no regret, no bitterness, no blame or shame, no anger or pain (anymore).
It’s a “NO” of kindly but firmly turning away and letting go, like a setting down of something for good, with calm conviction.
And with a similar calm conviction I believe that having said those “NO”’s is allowing me to say so many more healthy, open “YES”’s here & now, in my present moment. And this feels so good, in a wonderfully profound and liberating way!
It’s 3:30 in the morning and I’ve been awake for over an hour. I woke up to pee, as often happens during the night, but then I haven’t been able to get back to sleep despite my tiredness and the guided meditation to help me relax.
The feelings from my KAPT sessions are still lingering, too strong for me to sleep tonight, especially the ones from my second journey, the one on Tuesday. That sense of all-encompassing love. That sense of there being so much love. It’s still here. Not as clearly or intensely present in my body as it was on my journey on Tuesday, but still very present, very clear, very intense, and quite overwhelming.
There’s so much love, and I know where it comes from. I know.
God, this is so powerful. It’s too much for a human.
Is that why we shut it out? Why our “normal” senses keep it from us in daily life, so that we can “function” without being constantly overwhelmed, constantly in awe? Does the medicine simply allow us to see it, to feel it wholly? Like other agents or situations (deep meditation, runner’s high, communion with Nature, etc.) but even more intensely?
I know I’ve felt similar ecstatic moments and had some mystical experiences, precisely in deep meditation, or on a runner’s high, or in communion with Nature; but it’s never been so profound, so intense, so overwhelming and long-lasting as these effects from my KAPT journeys. Maybe because the ketamine actually allowed me to feel it all more deeply, even at a chemical level? In fact, on my first journey (on Monday) one of the things I felt and couldn’t help myself from saying was “Allow — Let it be”. And then during my second journey (on Tuesday), I clearly remember thinking & saying out loud (while totally under the effect), “Is it all in my mind? It’s just chemistry!”
Was I trying to reassure myself on Tuesday?
On both days, at the beginning of the journey there was some resistance in me: despite really being almost totally out of control of the whole situation, I could feel myself trying to maintain some control, trying to resist the effects, trying to explain and/or filter the sensations. On both journeys, it was only after I had somehow “decided” to allow whatever was happening to happen, it was only then that the real, profound opening and connection happened. It was only then that I felt myself turn into a flag, a mountain, a river, be in the Earth. And it was only then that I felt that overwhelming, all-encompassing, ever-present, totally true sense of LOVE. It was only then that the healing came. Once I allowed “it” — whatever “it” may be.
And now I’m still feeling it. And it’s keeping me awake. Maybe because my “regular consciousness” cannot allow it fully?
Of course, now that I’m back in my “regular consciousness”, I cannot really feel those same physical sensations of flying, of moving or flowing with all those shapes & colors, of turning into a flag, a mountain, a river, of being in the Earth among the roots. But I can still remember those physical sensations very well. I can still remember that sense of disembodiment, that sense of being pure disembodied consciousness. I can still remember these sensations even physically, to a certain extent.
And I can still feel that all-encompassing, ever-present, totally true sense of LOVE. Overwhelming.
Would it be less overwhelming if I somehow allowed it to be, if I somehow surrendered to it?
Sometimes you get an email that makes your day.
That just happened to me now.
This upcoming Saturday there will be a charitable 5K run in my neighborhood: I saw it posted in the Open Space where I often go for my walks or runs and decided to try and participate — as a non-binary athlete, of course. But, as I half expected, until yesterday there was no other “Gender” category than the usual, binary options of “Male” & “Female”. So I wrote to the organizers straight away, telling them how eager I was to run in this charitable neighborhood event but that I wouldn’t sign up unless there was an official “Non-binary” category reflecting both my gender identity and the legal gender-marker on my IDs.
Well, I just got the reply from the organizers, saying, “Hi A***, We look forward to seeing you at the event. Do you need to be timed for the 5K run? M*** ”
So I went back to the website and clicked the “Sign up” link anew and the Registrant form now has FOUR gender options: “Male”, “Female”, “Non-binary”, and “Prefer not to say” — another step forward for improving equity and inclusion — YAY!!!
For a while now, when I think of myself as an animal other than human, I’ve been feeling like a Big Cat, specifically, a combination of a lion (male, the one with the mane), a mountain lion or cougar (maybe female), and a cheetah.
Yesterday, I discovered that I am a peacock — also a peacock, or potentially a peacock, or a peacock instead.
Before my second KAPT session yesterday morning, I went for a walk in the clinic’s neighborhood, connecting with myself and my surroundings, with Nature, with Everything really, in that gorgeous spring weather. I was feeling wonderfully connected with nature so when I got back to the clinic and my guide asked me whether I’d like to draw a tarot card, I decided to do so from “The wild unknown Animal Spirit guidebook” by Kim Krans. First, I asked the question, “What is it that I need to know about myself in this moment?” and then I drew an animal card. And there it was: the Peacock.
Honestly, I couldn’t make sense of it at first but I was open; so then these words from Kim Krans’s book brought me a sense of healing & belonging with another part of myself — maybe still only “in fieri”, a potentiality, but somehow the truest:
“
PEACOCK
INNER-BEAUTY, COMPASSION, ASSIMILATOR OF ANYTHING
The beauty of the Peacock is unrivaled. It’s easy to think it comes from the plumage… but the secret of the Peacock is that the beauty resides within and extends outward indefinitely.
This adept creature can assimilate or ‘digest’ all experiences in life, so it does not harbor resentment, conflict, or past pain within its psyche. The Peacock type is extremely rare — not many of us have reached this advanced level of acceptance of the self and others.
When in balance: confident, kind
When out of balance: cannot ‘digest’ situations
To bring into balance: meditation on navel
”
[from “The wild unknown Animal Spirit guidebook” by Kim Krans]
[Flow of consciousness processing & “integration” after my second psychedelic experience (Ketamine-Assisted Psychedelic Therapy) from this morning]
“I’m a mountain” — as I grew up out of the earth with it all.
“I’m a river” — as I let go and flowed with it all.
“I’m in the earth” — I felt that I was actually part of the Earth and part of the soil and among the roots.
I was masculine and feminine and all of it together — both, and beyond.
“It’s so beautiful! It’s so so beautiful!” I felt, and exclaimed, over and over.
“I loved him so much — I loved you so so much” — tears streaming down from my eyes freely, like rivers, and me smiling.
“I am so loved, so so loved… There’s so much love! There’s so much love!”
And then, in the depth and overwhelm of it all, all I could say was, “I know”.
“I know, I know, I know, I know.” And I truly did know. Not a rational knowledge in my head: it was the deepest, profoundest, fullest, most healing, most powerful, most wonderful and yet clearest and almost obvious knowledge I have ever had in my life.
Both when I felt & said “I loved him/you so much” and when I felt/said “I am so loved”, I was both the object and the subject of the love. There was no separation, the love was all-encompassing, it had no specific direction or beginning or end: it was EVERYWHERE and it just was.
And again, I saw the bright yellow light that I had seen yesterday.
———————————————————————————————
Yesterday I was flying and then I was a flag.
Today I was a mountain, a river, in the Earth with the roots. And I was climbing effortlessly. And I was upside down.
Today I called out “Daddy”, very softly, on my journey and almost named the boulderer, too. I think today finally brought the ultimate healing to that one & same wound, because I felt the all-encompassing love, and I knew.
On both days I laughed out loud, full of joy. Today I also let tears roll down my face, cleansing.
Healed.
There’s so much love.
I know.
[Flow of consciousness processing — “integration” — after my first psychedelic experience (Ketamine-Assisted Psychedelic Therapy) from this morning]
“Why words?”
Indeed, why words?
And yet, that’s what I’m using right now, right now, writing words. Writing words.
Why words?
Because they define us…? Maybe…?
Because sometimes they’re all we’ve got, all we’re allowed to have or to use.
Allowed.
“Allow”
“Let it be”
It wasn’t a rational “let it be”. It was profound, full of meaning, like there was a whole other dimension to it. A whole other dimension to everything, to ALL, and it was ALL ONE.
It was ALL ONE.
“There’s a light”, I said a couple times.
I wonder whether that might have been the real, actual light in the room, maybe from the candle lit at the foot of the bed, by the door, seeping in through/under the shades on my eyes?
But sometimes it was also just brightness in the colors and shapes that I was seeing & feeling. Because I could feel them with my whole body, although my body felt like it wasn’t there.
Pure disembodied consciousness. As my “self” or “a self” but not my usual self and not separate from the Whole. Part of the whole without being either separate or lost.
“Oh my gosh!”
I know that also came out of my mouth, several times, from pure overwhelm — in a good sense, if “good” & “bad” even make sense here…
And then I checked with my guide a couple times, asking “I am safe?” and “I’m not alone?”
What I was feeling was in many ways scary and indescribable, scary because indescribable, but not “bad”. And all I really needed was the reassurance of being “safe” & “not alone”.
At the end my sailing buddy was there and so was my dad, at the L*** beach, in the early 2000’s, where they belong.
And my sailing buddy and the boulderer and my dad and I are all the same thing: we’re all the same type of boy. And so the only one of us that I need to keep carrying along with me is Me — the rest I can leave behind.
The rest I can leave behind — like that sailboat did, sailing off, out into the ocean from the beach shore — the last image I saw before coming back to the present or “regular” consciousness.
Another sad, concerning, infuriating reminder that the battle for trans people (& their allies) isn’t over, yet, and is actually getting worse in many places:
How people (mis)gender me and react to my appearances & my being openly/explicitly queer still affects me a lot — often too much.
The cashier at the cafe where I went to get lunch today misgenered me with a colleague, referring to me as “she”, and it basically ruined my day. In my head I’m like, “How can you call me ‘she’ with these masculine clothes, this boyish haircut, this flat chest, and quite a deep voice?” What the heck do people pick up on — or not pick up on? How can they be so blind, so obtuse? Or even just so careless in the use of language?!? One could just say, “this person” or “this customer” at a cafe, thus avoiding to make any assumptions at all…
On the other hand, when people, especially non-queer persons, show recognition & acceptance of my gender-non-conformity or queerness, it feels excessively good. Like the time when a sort of collaborator, who appears to be a straight cis-man (although, I admit, I am assuming), complimented me on my rainbow sunglasses once that we ran into each other at a cafe over lunch; and we ran into each other at the same cafe today, and he always acts super friendly with me and we’ve talked about going climbing together — that’s almost enough for me to get a (small, temporary) crush on him.
Why do these behaviors and words from other people affect me so much, so deeply, sending me off-balance so easily (even if only temporarily)?
The Little Prince and the Fox 