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An image haunts me A face  A skull A madness in those eyes calling out Or is it just my imagination? Obsession A hand taking hold of me   from unfathomable depths  A darkness inside those eyes And yet a light so bright and blinding Windows into the soul soft, clear blue And behind them, shadowsContinue reading ““Obsession””

Song: “Records” by Lilly Hiatt (slightly modified) “ I’m 40, I feel 23 Got no husband thanks to me I just wanna rock’n’roll Scream out my lungs and bury the soul I’m often lonely but I’m also free It’s never how I thought it’d be  But that record waited up for me That record waitedContinue reading ““Desire doesn’t know it’s wrong””

The first day of 2022 has been graced with gorgeous weather in this part of California: warm & sunny, and hardly any wind.  I started this New Year alone last night, which was extremely sad for me.  But today, also thanks to the wonderful weather, I’ve been able to transform some of that painful lonelinessContinue reading “From loneliness to solitude”

There’s a saying in Italian, “Meglio soli che malaccompagnati”, which means, “We’re better off alone than in the wrong (or bad) company”.  I agree with this saying. But I’ve been so alone for so long, and I’ve been feeling so lonely for so long, that I’m beginning to think, “Better off dead than so alone/lonely”.

This morning I woke up happy. One factor is the sunshine, for sure, as well as having been able to get the right amount of satisfying exercise yesterday, on the first sunny day in weeks.  But there’s also something deeper: I love New Year’s! I love the symbolism around shedding and leaving behind what weContinue reading “Turn of the year(s)”

Among the deluge of news on COVID, yesterday evening NPR had the following news-clip, which I found really interesting and worth sharing: “At overdose prevention sites, people can use illegal drugs under medical supervision”.

Recently, Arys has been struggling with an intensified bout of depression, with the mornings becoming increasingly hard. While they used to be an “early bird”, waking up early with no effort and actually full of energy and joy, now they struggle to drag themselves out of bed by 10am feeling tired, depleted of energy, overwhelmedContinue reading “Celebrating the small joys”

Taking a deep breath. This will probably be short, in terms of words, but it’s huge in terms of emotions.  I just left my mother a voicemail coming out as non-binary/bi-gender and telling her that I’ve switched to “they” pronouns… This feels so terrifying..!  My 70-year-old father is very ill, probably terminally (20% recovery/survival withContinue reading “Branches”

I know that what I’ll be writing here now is coming through the distorted lens of depression, which has been exacerbated this past week or two by the time of year as well as some particular circumstances of my own. I also know that the solution lies, at least partly, in getting out of myContinue reading “The Outsider”

The holidays, especially the days around Christmas, have always been a nightmare to me.  As a child growing up in my nuclear family, Christmas was stressful and painful for me for two reasons: on the one hand, my mother wanted to reiterate all the lavish “gift-opening ceremony” under the tree, etc. from her rich childhood,Continue reading “I hate the holidays!”