Category Archives: Uncategorized

[I cannot write about this horrible war Putin is waging on the Ukraine, for now, because it’s too painful for me.] “What Sarah Said” [Death Cab for Cutie, “Plans” album] “And it came to me then That every plan Is a tiny prayer to father time As I stared at my shoes In the ICUContinue reading ““Love is watching someone die””

I’m finding it difficult to find an overall, stable balance.  Despite feeling much better, lighter than I had in a long time in California, I’m still swinging between different, and often intense, emotions.  There are a lot of moments of loneliness. Despite living with my host family. Despite my need and desire for solitude. ItContinue reading “Swinging”

At 5am I woke up to pee, as I often do in the wee hours of the night or early morning. But this time, I didn’t go straight back to bed, despite my tiredness. The moon was full last night. And we had just had an abundant snow fall throughout the afternoon and evening. IContinue reading “Promises”

It’s snowing again — technically, we’re in for another snow storm until tomorrow morning. I made it to the climbing gym and back just before it started today.  I actually like this alternating, varied winter weather. Snow storms last only a couple days, blanketing everything in a soft layer of white. The temperatures drop belowContinue reading “Snow again”

Cat therapy is REAL — at least, for me it is!  My host family has an adorable cat, Gaia.  When I first met them, almost six years ago, they also had Gaia’s brother Helios, and during the Christmas holidays of 2016-2017, I took care of their house and both their cats for a couple weeks.Continue reading “Cat therapy”

… and here’s another one today…

“… that’s what grief is — a yearning for that one last moment of contact that would settle everything.” [‘Wintering’ by Katherine May] It’s snowing again. After a week of sunshine and progressively warm weather, this soft white blanket falling over the world feels nice, soothing, and especially gentle — something I really need todayContinue reading “Breakthrough after breakfast”

I’m still on my runner’s high from this morning: it was my best trail run, yet (in wintertime here)!  Dinner with my host family, some good sleep, and an early energetic morning, helped dispel yesterday’s sadness — and an emotional breakthrough after breakfast clarified it. [I’ll write more about this when I’m ready to doContinue reading “Runner’s High”

I’m feeling terribly sad.  I’ve been feeling sad in a sort of cosmic, unfathomable, maybe existential way for the past few days. And also afraid. But mostly sad.  Last night, as I watched the end of the movie “Don’t look up” with my host family, tears streamed uncontrollably down my cheeks, and it felt likeContinue reading “Sadness”