Category Archives: Uncategorized

My sister fell into the water again last night, and I rescued her.  This has been happening very often, almost every night for a while now. Is this why I wake up feeling so exhausted every morning?

I’m feeling so sad and uncomfortable in my own skin today that I’m struggling to work.  Work has often been a lifeline for me. I think one of the many reasons I’ve always been drawn to the hard sciences, especially to maths and physics, since the youngest age, is that it has always felt likeContinue reading “Gender dysphoria kicking in again”

Yesterday I had a wonderful day with friends.  A lunchtime hike with one friends; sipping chocolate and a walk in town with another friend; and finally dinner and some more walking with another friend.  They’re all persons from different paths of life, in many ways: people from different parts of the country, of different ages,Continue reading “Turning a Leaf”

Today, I’m starting to write a new chapter of my textbook, the most “special” chapter of my textbook, both because it’s the one that will most differentiate this book from others in its discipline and also because it draws directly on my own field of expertise and scientific research, which I love so much. SoContinue reading “Physical Grieving”

Yesterday I had the intake interview, which is actually a very long and comprehensive session, with the psi-specialist at the “gender affirming clinic” through my medical insurance. It lasted almost an hour and a half and was, of course, very intense but overall also extremely helpful, supportive, informative, and comforting. Among other important aspects, IContinue reading “Safety & Control”

Gentleness with myself is a skill I’m still learning. And will need to practice a lot today.  Last week was rough — one of the roughest weeks I’d had in a long time. My female hormones before and during my period hit me harder than ever, probably intensified by my (hopefully temporary) hypothyroidism, and triggeringContinue reading “Gentleness”

The other reason for my suffering, today and in the past few days, is that I’m scared.  Now that I’ve finally committed, I’m scared.  I’ve signed the postdoc offer and gotten most of the paperwork for that done. I’m gradually turning down other professional opportunities, which effectively means eliminating other options, closing other doors, atContinue reading “The other reason”

I’m having one of those days when all I’d really want to do is curl up in a blanket and relax and be held.  But I cannot do that because I have work to do, deadlines to meet, and no one here to hold me.  I’m having one of those days where sadness and lonelinessContinue reading “Tell me I’ll be fine”

After nearly two weeks of not writing, I’m back, and would have so much to say that I hardly know where to start.  Today, I had to swim 2 miles to be able to get some of my grumpiness (& loneliness) off. I basically drugged myself into a good mood by getting endorphins flowing inContinue reading “Why put up with it?”

I would like at least my upper-body, which is already so masculine, to be completely liberated and to fully reflect the boy that I feel I am.