Category Archives: Uncategorized

I think this might be the hardest phase…  Three days ago, on the morning of Thursday, January 26th, I had my gender-affirming top-surgery. And now I’m in this in-between phase: neither having that body I had been used to for years, for decades, nor yet having the partly new body that I’ve been craving forContinue reading “The hermit crab”

Funny how time stops beating regularly in these phases before some big event, some huge leap of faith — minutes drag on like centuries, hours are gone in seconds.  One year ago in these exact same days I was preparing for my partly unknown move, my transition, from California to Colorado.  Now I’m preparing forContinue reading “Anniversary of Liberation, frenzy of emotions, and frozen time”

Getting on testosterone feels like one of the best decisions of my life.  As my arms & shoulders squeeze into, stretch out, or simply can no longer fit into my old tops, as my thighs fill my jeans in a different way, as I see my body in the mirror morphing slowly but surely, oneContinue reading ““What’s mine coming to me””

[Trigger warnings: Trauma (particularly in sexual and/or relational situations)] There’s clearly trauma that has been triggered for me here.  The reply I gave the other person’s question about relationships on our date on Tuesday night came from a place of insecure attachment and the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors I’ve had since are clear symptoms ofContinue reading “Trauma response, Adult response”

It’s 3:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep.  Last night I went on my second date with the person who picked me up at the gym: a dinner date.  On the outside, one could say it went really well: the conversation flowed pleasant and lively, never dull, continuously for a couple hours; the vibeContinue reading “Same mistake over and over again?”

These have been the best “holidays” that I’ve had in a while.  One of the strongest feelings in December 2016 was the sense of liberation and joyous relief for not having to undergo the usual “holiday tour de force” into which I had been forced my entire life up to then (or, at least, forContinue reading “Happy (Western) New Year!”

Today I went on my first official queer date. And my first date ever with a woman.  A little over a year ago, in September 2021, after a couple months of very intense climbing and regular weight-lifting, I had gotten as big & muscular as I had ever been (at least up until then), IContinue reading “Embracing Queer”

How do teenagers get anything done at all???  How can they manage to get schoolwork done, maybe a side job, get chores done, and eventually graduate? How can they focus enough, for a long enough time, to get anything practical or sensible done?  Somehow, the memories of my own “first” puberty, my own female pubertyContinue reading “Puberty all over again”

If everything goes well, I’m exactly five weeks away from my gender-affirming, masculinizing mastectomy!  Having gotten a negative (i.e. OK) result for the mammogram I had on Monday and given all the symbolism in today’s date (exactly five weeks from my planned surgery, winter solstice…), I’m going to start a gender-affirming countdown to my top-surgery,Continue reading “Gender-affirming countdown!”

When I was finalizing my decision about moving to Colorado a year ago, I can distinctly remember a particular conversation I had with one of my “sailing uncles”, one of my older friends who are also a sort of father figure for me. I was telling him that I just craved walking in the snow-coveredContinue reading “Beautiful Winter (Solstice)!”