Category Archives: Uncategorized

These are not decisions I made, or am making, light-heartedly.  I had envisioned my summer of 2023 very differently. I had imagined that after recovering from my gender-affirming top-surgery, I would get fully back to work in a very productive way, wrap up my textbook completely, publish the results from the past year of postdocContinue reading “Finding the meaning of my summer of 2023”

I’m taking back my power.  I still do have a choice.  And maybe it hasn’t really been “one step forward, two steps back” for me — maybe I’ve learned and grown more than expected from all this.  This anger I’m feeling is the “good type of anger”, it’s my friend. It’s that anger that tellsContinue reading “Taking back my power”

I strongly believe in the fact that sometimes, when you love someone, you’ve got to let them go, even if just temporarily at times.  This has been an issue for me with a few friends, with my family of origin for years, and most recently with my genderqueer European ex-lover. For me, grief is deeplyContinue reading “My right to “radio silence””

My days are full of things to do, people to see, friends who love me. But my soul is empty, my heart a hole.  I run through my days, seemingly my usual active, lively self on the outside. But I’m dead inside.  I’m an empty shell.

My friends ask me how I’m doing. And I don’t really know what to answer. There are days when my emotions fluctuate wildly and are extremely intense — pain, sadness, grief, loneliness, anger, but also a sense of freedom, liberation, belonging here geographically. On days of such emotional roller-coasters it’s hard for me to sayContinue reading “The lost boy”

Here and now, at home in Colorado.  It’s warm, already too warm for me to go for a run at 9am. It’s sunny and bright and there’s a very gentle breeze. Some birds are chirping. Somebody is mowing a lawn not too far from my front porch — I cannot see them but I canContinue reading “Here & now: self-regulating at home in Colorado”

I really like and relate to the idea(s) of “safe haven & secure basis” mentioned in Jessica Fern’s book Polysecure.  The “safe haven & secure basis” are the two main aspects of healthy attachment-based relationships.  When my European genderqueer lover/friend left to go back home to Europe a week ago, one of my most significantContinue reading “Safe havens and secure bases”

It hit me all of a sudden last night while I was brushing my teeth: four months is a third of a year, a consistent part of a whole year. Four and a half months was the time my European genderqueer friend spent here in Colorado this year and the amount of time they wereContinue reading “One third”

I’m tired from having run myself ragged all week, from having gotten up at 5am and spent all day climbing outdoors both days this weekend, from the long, solitary walk along the creek after today’s climbing.  But it’s precisely these two days of climbing outdoors, learning new skills, meeting new people, pushing my comfort zoneContinue reading “I’m not giving up”

How can it hurt so much? How is it even physically possible for it to hurt so much?  Is it worse today than Tuesday or Wednesday or yesterday because it’s finally starting to sink in? The initial shock and void from their departure is now turning into an established reality of their absence being forContinue reading