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The pain is real. It’s here: concrete, insistent, physical even. The renewed waves of grief are washing over me again already, physically painful and profoundly lonely. Last night, I dreamt that I was crossing a sea, THE SEA, i.e. the Atlantic Ocean, in a big ship sailing across through huge waves in a violent storm.Continue reading “Navigating through the waves of grief”

It’s been six months since my gender-affirming top-surgery. Six months ago at this time I was being operated on.  Six months ago. It almost feels like a lifetime ago. This body, this chest, this torso seems and feels so “right” to me that I can hardly even remember how it was or felt before, andContinue reading “Six months”

My dad’s funeral took place today, back in Europe, nearly two weeks after his death.  I wasn’t there, I couldn’t be there, and another wave of grief will probably hit me next week. Now I feel numb or a rather dull sadness that comes mostly, right in this moment, from the soon-to-be separation/break-up with myContinue reading “Love and loss”

This is the type of loneliness I’ve so often, too often, been feeling for decades, beautifully put into words by Fredrik Backman in his book “Anxious People”: “ The […] was sitting alone in the hall. She could hear the voices of the people […], but they might as well have been in a differentContinue reading “The greatest loneliness in the world”

[Trigger warning: death, loss, grief.] “Aujourd’hui, papa est mort. Ou peut-être hier, je ne sais pas.”

A week has come and gone and my dad still seems to be alive (I don’t know in what conditions of consciousness but “technically alive”), once again defeating the doctors’ (& my mother’s) dire prognostics.  It’s been two full weeks since I last heard from my special genderqueer European friend. They sent me a sweetContinue reading “Sometimes all we can do is wait”

This is my choice. This place is my choice. Living here is my choice. Despite it being partly the cause of some of my current pain because it entails geographical distance and/or separation from several loved ones.  But it also keeps me close to many other loved ones. This particular spot, this particular trail &Continue reading “This is my choice”

[Spoiler alert (last paragraph in italics): quote from the end of the novel (& movie) “Call me by your name”] I want to hold onto the good memories. And that might have to be partly also an active exercise stemming from an active choice.  In the past week my focus as well as my painContinue reading “I want to remember the good times”

[Trigger warning: grief, loss, death] I just finished reading the wonderful book “My grandmother asked me to tell you she’s sorry” by Fredrick Backman — quite serendipitous, since it’s a lovely, delicate book on loss, grief, and the power of stories & community (family, friends, etc.) to heal. (As well as the power of embracingContinue reading “What we leave behind when we go”

How much grief can one heart take before being completely shattered? How much pain can one heart take before ending up crushed and giving up? I feel like mine is beyond its limits at this point.  Apparently, my father has been hospitalized again and this round it seems to be for the very last time:Continue reading “How much grief?”