Category Archives: Uncategorized

[Trigger warnings: unemployment, big changes, loss, grief.] I think I’m in shock.  I’m feeling similarly to when my father was hospitalized and when he died. And in some ways similarly to when my European genderqueer ex-lover left last summer.  Even when one is mentally or rationally prepared for the loss, the shock is always realContinue reading “Shock”

…and if there’s one thing, even only one thing, that I’ve learned in life, it’s that the body knows.  At least, my body knows.  My body knows.

[Trigger warnings: unemployment, loss, grief.] For the first time in my life since finishing grad school, I’m finding myself in the position of being (almost) unemployed but unwilling to move.  For the past fourteen years it’s often been the opposite: I’ve quit many jobs because I wanted to move, or to move on, or both. Continue reading “I don’t want to uproot myself again”

I’m still reeling from the flood of emotions from this ice-climbing trip.  I’m feeling like a bucket of water full to the brim, so full of different emotions that I cannot take one single more drop in. I’m going to overflow, I’m going to explode.  What got activated on my group ice-climbing trip this pastContinue reading “Being “one of the guys””

Song by Grace Petrie with excellent lyrics, “Black Tie”: “  Well, it’s a jungle out there The year 2018, I didn’t think We’d still be sorting babies into blue and pink And all our progress Well, I wonder what it means That the only girls’ clothes that work for me Turn out to be boyfriendContinue reading ““Black tie””

For now, within the group of people on this ice-climbing trip I’ve been treated & referred to as “one of the guys”, with explicit references made to me as a “guy” and lumped into the “men” when a comment was made about bathrooms at the crag.  In many ways, I am “one of the guys”Continue reading “Am I “one of the guys”?”

On Friday, I went to get a haircut, to get my hair cut even shorter with the hope of ensuring I would look as male (not just “masculine”) as possible for this trip. A group ice-climbing trip that I joined with one of my climbing buddies and several close buddies of his, most of themContinue reading “The crushing weight of the cis world”

If I had to describe, or label, myself on a personal level mostly around my gender identity & sexual orientation, I would say that I am, or feel like, a genderqueer/non-binary pansexual gay boy. Maybe I’d even say that I’m a genderqueer/non-binary pansexual gay guy, as in growing up from a trans boy into aContinue reading “Sometimes I wish I were a gay guy”

I’m still feeling very emotional today and still wanting to cry. These tears, like last night’s tears, are not from regret or sadness. There’s no regret in my words or feelings when I say, “There’s no going back for me”.  These tears and my feeling so emotional come from the intensity, from the breadth &Continue reading “MY BIG DAY”

At last, the tears came. Just a trickle at first, while I was driving home. And now, at home, the dam finally gave way and the tears poured out flowing freely and abundantly.  It’s really starting to hit me now, all that I’ve been through, all that I’ve put myself through, with the strength andContinue reading “That drive to change and live — with no going back”