Category Archives: Uncategorized

For some reason, the disconnect I had had with my deepest emotions for the past couple months became unendurable this past week. A mechanism that had been working, and even serving me well, for the past month or two, came to its breaking point — and so intensely that I almost felt like I wasContinue reading “(Re)connection, compassion, love”

I’m a little worried that my non-binary climber/skater friend with benefits & I might have different expectations or levels of attachment — theirs being stronger than mine. I hope that’s not the case — and I need to clarify ASAP.  Where I stand in this relationship, as with many of my closest & most meaningfulContinue reading “Trust through exploration”

Yesterday, I felt sad. A mixture of sadness due to some specific reasons together with a more vague melancholy like a blanket or veil covering everything. I’m still feeling it a bit today. And while it’s not fun, or pleasant, to feel this way, I am also grateful because I am feeling something, I amContinue reading “Sadness — feeling something”

Lately, I’m often, usually, feeling empty of emotions.  After all the turmoil and roller-coaster of emotions from the past year — discomfort and anxiety from the place where I was living (i.e. the person with whom I was living); fear and trepidation for my gender-affirming top-surgery; relief and joy in the new place I foundContinue reading “Setting emotions in motion”

In the healing process that I have been undergoing over the past two or three months since this summer’s losses, I have often, albeit intermittently, been feeling a greater sense of “distance”, sometimes even “detachment”: from my deeper, most vulnerable feelings; from troubling memories; from some close friends.  Can I really, in only a coupleContinue reading “Distances”

Today’s ten months since getting my gender-affirming top-surgery… YAY!!! Four months ago, at the half-year mark from my gender-affirming top-surgery, I celebrated it with my European queer ex-lover. It was our last long weekend together before their return home, to Europe. We went out for dinner to one of the places that had become oneContinue reading “Ten months!”

It’s not the first time that I’ve had deep, intense emotions related to my gender identity — feeling a deeper & broader sense of exploration, discovery, and understanding of my gender — through singing or having sex (both with other people, not just myself). But I hadn’t had either in a while and I’ve experiencedContinue reading “Exploring my gender through sex & song”

In one of my dreams last night I had a beard. Still in its infancy and very fair, a light blond beard, but clearly a beard. It’s not the first time that I’ve dreamt of suddenly having — or suddenly noticing that I have — a beard. And I’m always a little upset, or troubled,Continue reading “The boy in the mirror, the boy in my soul”

I’m at a work event at a National Lab for the annual meeting of the big scientific collaboration that funds my advisor’s grant that pays my research, i.e. pays my bills. I arrived Sunday evening, the meeting started yesterday morning, very early, and finished late yesterday evening, and again another long, tour-de-force day today.  I’veContinue reading “Toxic STEM”

I had to come all the way to the U.S.A., to the Western States, to California and then even more specifically to Colorado, in order to find myself. Like Hesse’s Siddhartha: he had to go through all those experiences, all those “lives”, all those roles or “versions of himself”, to eventually, finally find himself (&Continue reading “Traces”