Category Archives: Uncategorized

[Trigger warning: loss/death of parent, grief.] Yesterday I went for a long hike with one of my climbing buddies who’s also one of my closest friends. The hike itself was quite an adventure as we went high up in elevation and despite the recent hot-spell most of the mountain was still covered in snow soContinue reading “Father’s Day Hike & Lost Boys”

… And the key fear or worry underlying my almost constant sense of not being enough is due to the sense — or worry or fear — of being admired rather than loved.  With my close platonic friends I know I am loved: I know they love me despite all my many shortcomings and defectsContinue reading “Admired vs. Loved”

It just hit me: the realization of how much I live in constant fear, or worry, of not being enough.  When I injured my thumb and found out I couldn’t climb for at least three months after surgery, my first thought was, “Will my climbing buddies forget me? Will I lose their friendship?”. Then, whenContinue reading “Afraid of not being enough”

[Trigger warning: some explicit references to sexual and end-of-life themes.] I have the sex drive, lack of confidence, and outer shell of a sixteen-year-old boy. I have life experiences that rival those of a sixty-year-old and a burden of grief and lack of hope similar to those of a ninety-year-old.  Nothing aligns with my biologicalContinue reading “Young on the outside, old on the inside, and not queer enough”

[Trigger warning: some explicit descriptions of thumb/hand wounds.] Carried away by my own innate optimism along with the enthusiasm of other people around me, I thought this past Wednesday would be a wonderful moment filled only with relief and good news as I was going to have the post-op splint removed from my left forearmContinue reading “Delayed post-op shock”

You saw what I am saying, that is Why this is playing on your mind And you know, there’s nothing I’d rather say to you I’m just a little bit surprised We’ve come so far, together and for the better It’s like our wetter weather’s dry It stares me in the face, it taps you on the shoulder They’ll hear us singing, you andContinue reading ““So Long!””

To little boy Arys from daddy: If eyes could talk then yours would sing It’s true you are the most beautiful thing You’re mild like a Sunday morning Your smile as bright as daybreak dawning And nothing’s ever made more sense And I will, promise to kill All the monsters in your dreams and inContinue reading ““The monsters will be dead””

I think what I miss the most from last year’s summer love story with my queer European “ex” is how I felt. How I felt in that precise moment of my life and how I felt with them in particular.  As deep and special as it was, that love story was circumstantial.  Spring and summerContinue reading “Gay boy summer loving”

I’m feeling tired and sad and empty, as if I had been gutted from the inside, hollowed out like a log.  I feel like a hollow log.  A hollow log drifting aimlessly and out of control, carried along by the waters of a cold, cold river. In my dream last night, I was sailing toContinue reading “The hollow log and the fowl”

One of the things I like the most about Colorado is that it has four definite seasons — spring, summer, autumn, and winter, clearly marked and distinguishable, and similar to the places where I grew up in Europe as a child and young adult. My mind & soul enjoy the change of seasons, my bodyContinue reading “Sad and scared of this summer”