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“ Regrets collect like old friends Here to relive your darkest moments I can see no way, I can see no way And all of the ghouls come out to play And every demon wants his pound of flesh But I like to keep some things to myself I like to keep my issues drawnContinue reading ““Shake it off””

My brain (or mind?) has the tendency to obsess. I think it always has.  This tendency has often served me well as it has allowed me to achieve many of my important, most desired, and often vital goals. These (obsessive) goals have been academic, professional, athletic, or connected to major personal changes/milestones/needs. A few timesContinue reading “My obsessive brain and the pull of climbers”

Choir rehearsal went well last night.  The only thing that didn’t go well was that I had to leave very early and abruptly: I was so exhausted that I was really afraid I wouldn’t be able to drive myself home safely so I left before the half-way break.  In the short time I was there,Continue reading “Record of some good “big little things””

I’ve raced many half-marathons but in some ways yesterday’s was my first. Another “first” in a week of “first times”.  It was my first half-marathon run and officially recognized and awarded as a nonbinary athlete. And that equal award for nonbinary athletes exists now within the races of this organization greatly thanks to my efforts. Continue reading “First times and big little victories”

Amid all the stress and difficult emotions of the past weeks, there have been some good moments, too, moments in which I’ve been able to relax a bit, counting on the shelter of friends, on their support, love, and practical help. And despite all the stress, I have also had a couple of moments ofContinue reading “Big little steps”

[Trigger warnings: childhood trauma/wounds.] Apart from the heavy sexual jokes and the feeling isolated because I’m unable to socialize with people in the chorus, the other big factor making me feel uncomfortable not only during rehearsals but even for hours and days afterwards is that I cannot recognize the person I become when I’m there:Continue reading “Regression?”

[Trigger warnings: explicit sexual references/language; childhood trauma/wounds.] Once again, on Sunday I had an extremely hard time at rehearsal with the gay men’s chorus. I once again had a near-meltdown and then a tantrum afterwards.  Some of the reasons for the difficult emotions were my own, partly even unrelated to the choir: my general burnout;Continue reading ““Daddy issues””

I’m burned out. Not as a figure of speech: I’m actually, medically burn out, i.e., if I went to a doctor with these symptoms, I would get diagnosed with burnout and have the right to paid medical leave from work (at least, in Europe).  I tend to be a very energetic person. I had seriousContinue reading “Burnout”

I’ve decided to write to three of the gay men’s chorus members with whom I feel relatively comfortable and who are in more leadership positions to voice my struggles in feeling welcome in the choir.  I know that a lot of it is on me, due to my own impostor syndromes, internalized transphobia, shyness, andContinue reading “It’s not all on me”