Quiet desperation

[Content warning: suicidal thoughts.]

Maybe the worst type of desperation is a quiet one. When things are so bad, when anger and hopelessness are so intense, that one feels nothing or cannot express anything. 

There’s an expression in Italian, “il peggio non e’ mai morto”, which can be translated as, “it can always get worse”. That might be the closest way to explain my situation right now. I thought the unfairness and marginalization and discrimination I was experiencing at work earlier this summer were bad, awful, “the worst”. I had no idea the ostracism could reach the levels of this past week or two. 

I am having what are, technically, “suicidal thoughts”. These past couple nights have been really bad. Not even my morning runs can get my out of these dark thoughts. The only thing keeping me from going from thought to action is that I cannot think of any method that would have the guaranteed certainty of working. And I cannot bear the idea of it not working and then maybe leave me crippled for the rest of my life. 

A dear friend of mine also needs to job hunt now and the other day was saying what a coincidence it is that we’re in the same situation. But we’re not in the same situation. Our situations are wildly different. I don’t have savings. I cannot risk being without a job or accept a pay cut. I don’t own a house. I don’t have a supportive family around me, nor do I have a fulfilling life. And I’m not in need of a new job because of lack of funding at a current job where I’m valued and respected: I need a new job because my new supervisor and the big professors backing her are marginalizing me, ostracizing me, trying to keep me down or hold me back, or maybe even trying to get me to quit. And, unlike my friend, I haven’t built myself a “real career” that I can use in my job hunt. Here I am, nearly 45 years old, with a mish-mash of previous jobs that amount to nothing (both financially as far as savings go and from the professional career viewpoint). If at least I could say that, while not building myself a career, I had built myself the life I wanted from the personal viewpoint, e.g. in terms of relationships or explorations or becoming a professional athlete… but no, I have built nothing, achieved nothing, failed in every aspect of my life. And I don’t have the luxury to take some time off, like my friend could do, if necessary, to job hunt calmly or think about my next step or what I really want from my life. 

If I don’t find a new job immediately, my current job is going to kill me and I cannot quit it because otherwise I cannot pay my bills and I’ll end up under a bridge. And even in the best case scenario of me finding a well-paying job soon and start saving for the future, what would I really achieve? Get to my fifties before I can finally, maybe, start even thinking about what life I would want?